When online dating you often have no idea what you are getting into. What’s in a name? According to Shakespeare, a rose by any other name smells just as sweet. But ask anyone named Maxie or Harry Bell and they’ll tell you that their name is the bane of their existence. Kids can be cruel, […]
The post What’s In a Dating Profile Username? appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(5247) "When online dating you often have no idea what you are getting into.
What’s in a name? According to Shakespeare, a rose by any other name smells just as sweet. But ask anyone named Maxie or Harry Bell and they’ll tell you that their name is the bane of their existence. Kids can be cruel, and in school you can bet that Maxie became “Maxie Pad” and Harry Bell became “Harry Balls.”
I don’t know if it’s the same for a man, but as a woman, I put a lot of thought into the naming of children. You have to look at nicknames, initials, and the way you can twist a name around to sound like something else. Just think about John Bohner, Speaker of the House – are you telling me he was never teased as a kid? “Bohner has a boner, Bohner has a boner!” I knew a man named Richard Sprinkle. Yes, that’s right, Dick Sprinkle. Helen Olivia Rollins’s initials are HOR – her parents are to blame for her being called a whore. I once had to make a call and ask for Tory Pussey. It took me several tries to keep a straight face, and I’m an adult!
A username for online dating should have as much thought put into it as a child’s name. This username is how people will first get to know you, and because you choose it yourself, it carries the added weight of showing the world quite a bit about who you are. You can’t blame your parents for the username you use. Some usernames are simple. Some people use “txt” speak, eliminating vowels and substituting numbers and letters for words. Some people use an aspect of their personality, or something they love, or their profession.
And some make you wonder if the person put any thought into whatsoever. Or maybe it’s that they put too much thought into it, which is even scarier. Let’s look at a few, shall we?
I have no imagination… Whynot265. Newuser33345. I know it’s hard guys, but come on!
My name is… Brian78678. JohnBriggs34. JoeBobFuller15. Thanks, now I can google you!
My hobbies are…. Golfer4U. FrisbeeBoy124. MarathonMan12. Awesome, now I know what you do with all your free time!
My job is… TennisPro82. InsuranceGuy136. MathTeacher314. Well, now I don’t have to ask that question.
My favorite sports team is… SoonerFan4Ever. RU4Patriots2. DallasMavsRule34. Well, as long as you’re not a Bama fan.
Watch out, Ladies, this is probably his “O” face.
I live in/I’m from… NYtoFL. CaliGent. AZMan4u. I used to love this, because you might instantly have something in common with someone (You’re from California, me too!), but I rarely get replies back when I comment on it, so obviously it’s useless.
I’m perfect for you… PickMe298. UandMe4ever97. Luvmebeeoch. Yeah, I’m thinking not.
I’m perfect… RUWANTINGME. PerfectGuy. uNoUwantMe. Me no want u.
I do drugs… Lucid420. Prtyfavors. Doobie88. It’s match.com, not dealer.com.
I’m a sex machine… LatinLover69. LuvDisciple. ImAStallion Really?!
I know what I typed, don’t you? Ijizhere (I think his initials are lj, and he’s here, but all I see is “jizz”). sffanny (I’m hoping it’s a San Fran fan in New York, but all I see is “fanny”), Lookin4mylass (again, all I see is “ass”), bOObOO (I get that this is a Yogi Bear reference, but I always see “boob” when I read it).
Then there are the ones that I’m not touching with a 10 foot pole: 8inUncut. Negro_dp. LunchAtTheY. Rodforyou (Granted, this guy’s name is probably Rod, but come on, dude!).
Usernames can be so telling. GreekGator is a frat guy from University of Florida, and since he’s in his 30’s, he really should give up the frat life. BackwoodHonky is a good ole’ boy from the country. CelineFan is a closet homosexual.
You may think it’s nothing, but a username is one more piece of what you are presenting to prospective matches. Don’t be lazy. Put some thought into it. Name your “baby” well. Because what you think is a great name may be made fun of on the playground.
Personally I was going to use “sprinkles” as part of my username, because I love sprinkles (you know, the kind you put on cookies and ice cream), and because I have freckles, and I thought that would be a cute little twist. And then a friend told me, “They might think you like golden showers.” Oye.
**All usernames are based on real usernames. However, I have changed/added numbers or come up with similar names when needed, to protect the not-so-innocent.
The post What’s In a Dating Profile Username? appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" } ["summary"]=> string(566) "When online dating you often have no idea what you are getting into. What’s in a name? According to Shakespeare, a rose by any other name smells just as sweet. But ask anyone named Maxie or Harry Bell and they’ll tell you that their name is the bane of their existence. Kids can be cruel, […]
The post What’s In a Dating Profile Username? appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["atom_content"]=> string(5247) "When online dating you often have no idea what you are getting into.
What’s in a name? According to Shakespeare, a rose by any other name smells just as sweet. But ask anyone named Maxie or Harry Bell and they’ll tell you that their name is the bane of their existence. Kids can be cruel, and in school you can bet that Maxie became “Maxie Pad” and Harry Bell became “Harry Balls.”
I don’t know if it’s the same for a man, but as a woman, I put a lot of thought into the naming of children. You have to look at nicknames, initials, and the way you can twist a name around to sound like something else. Just think about John Bohner, Speaker of the House – are you telling me he was never teased as a kid? “Bohner has a boner, Bohner has a boner!” I knew a man named Richard Sprinkle. Yes, that’s right, Dick Sprinkle. Helen Olivia Rollins’s initials are HOR – her parents are to blame for her being called a whore. I once had to make a call and ask for Tory Pussey. It took me several tries to keep a straight face, and I’m an adult!
A username for online dating should have as much thought put into it as a child’s name. This username is how people will first get to know you, and because you choose it yourself, it carries the added weight of showing the world quite a bit about who you are. You can’t blame your parents for the username you use. Some usernames are simple. Some people use “txt” speak, eliminating vowels and substituting numbers and letters for words. Some people use an aspect of their personality, or something they love, or their profession.
And some make you wonder if the person put any thought into whatsoever. Or maybe it’s that they put too much thought into it, which is even scarier. Let’s look at a few, shall we?
I have no imagination… Whynot265. Newuser33345. I know it’s hard guys, but come on!
My name is… Brian78678. JohnBriggs34. JoeBobFuller15. Thanks, now I can google you!
My hobbies are…. Golfer4U. FrisbeeBoy124. MarathonMan12. Awesome, now I know what you do with all your free time!
My job is… TennisPro82. InsuranceGuy136. MathTeacher314. Well, now I don’t have to ask that question.
My favorite sports team is… SoonerFan4Ever. RU4Patriots2. DallasMavsRule34. Well, as long as you’re not a Bama fan.
Watch out, Ladies, this is probably his “O” face.
I live in/I’m from… NYtoFL. CaliGent. AZMan4u. I used to love this, because you might instantly have something in common with someone (You’re from California, me too!), but I rarely get replies back when I comment on it, so obviously it’s useless.
I’m perfect for you… PickMe298. UandMe4ever97. Luvmebeeoch. Yeah, I’m thinking not.
I’m perfect… RUWANTINGME. PerfectGuy. uNoUwantMe. Me no want u.
I do drugs… Lucid420. Prtyfavors. Doobie88. It’s match.com, not dealer.com.
I’m a sex machine… LatinLover69. LuvDisciple. ImAStallion Really?!
I know what I typed, don’t you? Ijizhere (I think his initials are lj, and he’s here, but all I see is “jizz”). sffanny (I’m hoping it’s a San Fran fan in New York, but all I see is “fanny”), Lookin4mylass (again, all I see is “ass”), bOObOO (I get that this is a Yogi Bear reference, but I always see “boob” when I read it).
Then there are the ones that I’m not touching with a 10 foot pole: 8inUncut. Negro_dp. LunchAtTheY. Rodforyou (Granted, this guy’s name is probably Rod, but come on, dude!).
Usernames can be so telling. GreekGator is a frat guy from University of Florida, and since he’s in his 30’s, he really should give up the frat life. BackwoodHonky is a good ole’ boy from the country. CelineFan is a closet homosexual.
You may think it’s nothing, but a username is one more piece of what you are presenting to prospective matches. Don’t be lazy. Put some thought into it. Name your “baby” well. Because what you think is a great name may be made fun of on the playground.
Personally I was going to use “sprinkles” as part of my username, because I love sprinkles (you know, the kind you put on cookies and ice cream), and because I have freckles, and I thought that would be a cute little twist. And then a friend told me, “They might think you like golden showers.” Oye.
**All usernames are based on real usernames. However, I have changed/added numbers or come up with similar names when needed, to protect the not-so-innocent.
The post What’s In a Dating Profile Username? appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1573489225) } [1]=> array(11) { ["title"]=> string(66) "Forgiveness in Marriage: A Different Kind of Forgiving Your Spouse" ["link"]=> string(104) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2019/11/11/forgiveness-in-marriage-a-different-kind-of-forgiving-your-spouse/" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 11 Nov 2019 15:48:05 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(9) "Alex Wise" } ["category"]=> string(80) "Relationship AdviceAcceptancefinding forgivenessforgiveForgivenesshow to forgive" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=3543" ["description"]=> string(642) "Has your spouse done something so horrendous that it has ripped your marriage apart and made you question the very foundation of your relationship? Are you in a place right now where you are wondering whether or not you can ever forgive this offense and move on with your marriage? Perhaps your partner has been […]
The post Forgiveness in Marriage: A Different Kind of Forgiving Your Spouse appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(10322) "Has your spouse done something so horrendous that it has ripped your marriage apart and made you question the very foundation of your relationship?
Are you in a place right now where you are wondering whether or not you can ever forgive this offense and move on with your marriage?
Perhaps your partner has been regularly lying to you about your financial situation, and has put your family in jeopardy by doing so. Maybe he or she verbally attacked you one or more times, and you don’t feel like you can get past the awful words that were spoken.
Or maybe the worst has happened, and your spouse broke your marital vows, had an affair, and crushed you emotionally as a result.
In situations like these I find most people come to a point where they ask themselves: Can I ever forgive my spouse? Will I ever be able to open my heart to this person again, and move on with your relationship.
The question is a perfectly legitimate one, in no small part because the concept of forgiving is so complex.
What does it mean to forgive someone? Do you have to forget in order to forgive? And what if you can’t simply “forgive” your spouse and move on with your marriage? What does that mean about you and your relationship?
In this article I am going to explore answers to some of these questions, and will offer you an alternative definition of forgiveness-one that will show you a different path for moving forward with your marriage.
What Does it Mean to “Forgive”?
For a lot of people, the very concept of “forgiving” is overwhelming. I think this is largely due to the fact that in our culture there is a fairly specific definition for what it means to forgive. Unfortunately, for a lot of people this definition is unrealistic and nearly impossible to achieve.
I think for most people in our culture the idea of “forgiveness” is almost a holy act. It’s supposed to happen in a single moment; a moment of revelation where you open your heart to another person in an act of the purest, most selfless compassion and restore the
relationship to its former level.
For example, I once heard a story about a mother and father whose daughter was murdered. At some point after the terrible crime, this couple went to prison, met with their daughter’s killer, and forgave him.
To be perfectly honest with you, this is not a kind of forgiveness I understand.
In my experience the meaning of this forgiveness and the cultural support it receives from examples like the one I just noted sets up an unrealistic expectation for people who have suffered from a trauma inflicted by another person and are trying to move forward.
As a result, people often judge themselves when they can’t seem to forgive people who have hurt them the way the two parents in the example above were able to forgive their daughter’s murderer. They seem to feel like they are not as “good” as people like this.
But in my experience, forgiveness is a very complicated and personal subject. Everyone moves forward in different ways, especially when they are trying to reconcile with people who have hurt them.
It is especially complicated when the person who has hurt you is your spouse-the one person on Earth you are supposed to trust above and beyond anyone else.
Another example might help to make this point clear.
Let’s say Jeff and Sally have been happily married for many years or at least that’s what Sally thought. She has been going through her days thinking that her husband Jeff loves her and is completely faithful to her. They have children, and they have built what seems to be a beautiful life together. Sally thinks everything is wonderful.
Then one day Jeff comes home and drops a bomb on Sally.
He tells her that he has been having an affair for more than a year. He expresses regret. He cries. He even begs for Sally’s forgiveness. But Sally is emotionally crushed. The world she felt safe in has been torn apart, and the man she thought she knew has turned out to be a liar and a cheater.
In this situation is Sally simply supposed to “forgive” her husband? Is she supposed to have some experience where she realizes in the blink of an eye that she can open up to him again; that she can trust him again?
Imagine all of the questions this must raise for Sally. What if she forgives Jeff and he betrays her trust again? What if she exposes herself to more pain by doing this? And what if she simply can’t forget what has happened, and forgive him the way those magnanimous parents did in the story above? How is she supposed to move on with her marriage?
Over and over again, I see people who have this kind of experience, and I think the questions these people ask about forgiving are legitimate.
I am not saying those parents were wrong or disingenuous. I am sure those parents were sincere in the forgiveness they offered. I’m just saying that this kind of forgiveness is not something I understand, and it’s not something I think is useful for all people.
In fact, I think it can be detrimental for couples who have suffered through an affair and are trying to move forward with their marriage. The injured person thinks he or she is supposed to be able to “forgive” his or her spouse this way, and when that can’t happen the person feels stuck, and, in some cases, judges himself or herself harshly, complicating an already difficult situation.
When I work with clients I try to get them to move toward a different kind of forgiveness than the one typically promoted by our culture. This form of forgiveness is more practical. It requires work. And it focuses on the concept of acceptance. Let me explain what I mean.
Acceptance: An Alternative to Forgiveness
Acceptance is defined as the “willingness or ability to tolerate” some event in your life. This step-accepting that the terrible events that have happened in your marriage have in fact happened-is the first thing you need to do if you are going to move on with your relationship.
That doesn’t mean you have to like what happened. You probably hate what happened. But you have to accept that it occurred, and you have to accept the feelings that come along with it if you are going to move forward.
Let’s go back to the example of Jeff and Sally above. When Sally learned about Jeff’s affair, she was emotionally destroyed. She wanted to move forward and try to save her marriage, but she just couldn’t forgive Jeff for what he did.
Sally didn’t have to forgive Jeff at when she found out, because she wouldn’t feel it in her heart.
What Sally did have to do was accept the reality that Jeff had the affair and accept her feelings about the situation and about Jeff.
If Sally is able to do this, then she can move forward with her relationship (assuming of course Jeff is willing to put some real work into changing his character and repairing the breach in trust he created). Once Sally accepts what has happened and her feelings about it, the opportunity exists to heal the pain and create a better marriage.
In fact, acceptance is the first in a series of steps that ultimately have the power to move you toward forgiveness in a practical way. Forgiveness doesn’t have to come in a single revelatory moment. It can be the outcome of specific steps leading to recovery.
These steps include:
. Exploring your own feelings, and learning how to cope with and manage them more effectively
. Rebuilding the trust in your marriage
. Communicating your pain to your partner and acquiring an appropriate and complete apology
. Getting over images and obsessive thoughts about the event that created your pain
You can work through each of these steps in practical and effective ways.
The result?
If you work through each step properly, in time the overwhelming emotions that you are experiencing right now will move to the back of your mind. You won’t experience them nearly as much, and when you do they will be less intense. The feelings will start to fade as you rebuild your marriage and get over the pain that has been created.
At this point you will move toward forgiveness. It won’t happen in a single moment. Instead it will take time, energy, investment, a real commitment, and work. AND, a demonstration by your partner that he or she has made real changes. But it can happen.
This is a different kind of forgiving. It is one that is built on practical steps you can take to heal your relationship. It’s a style of forgiving that allows you to have your feelings and still move forward with your marriage. It’s a forgiving that happens more naturally as the emotions you have fade to the background and you move on with your life.
If you do the work you need to do to heal your relationship and make it better than ever you can experience this kind of forgiveness.
You will know in retrospect when it has happened. One day you will realize that your emotions and memories of the awful circumstances have moved to the back of your mind, and you will realize it is okay to move on again. These are the hallmarks of my definition of forgiveness.
But the whole process starts with acceptance. That’s the key. That’s the starting point.
The post Forgiveness in Marriage: A Different Kind of Forgiving Your Spouse appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" } ["summary"]=> string(642) "Has your spouse done something so horrendous that it has ripped your marriage apart and made you question the very foundation of your relationship? Are you in a place right now where you are wondering whether or not you can ever forgive this offense and move on with your marriage? Perhaps your partner has been […]
The post Forgiveness in Marriage: A Different Kind of Forgiving Your Spouse appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["atom_content"]=> string(10322) "Has your spouse done something so horrendous that it has ripped your marriage apart and made you question the very foundation of your relationship?
Are you in a place right now where you are wondering whether or not you can ever forgive this offense and move on with your marriage?
Perhaps your partner has been regularly lying to you about your financial situation, and has put your family in jeopardy by doing so. Maybe he or she verbally attacked you one or more times, and you don’t feel like you can get past the awful words that were spoken.
Or maybe the worst has happened, and your spouse broke your marital vows, had an affair, and crushed you emotionally as a result.
In situations like these I find most people come to a point where they ask themselves: Can I ever forgive my spouse? Will I ever be able to open my heart to this person again, and move on with your relationship.
The question is a perfectly legitimate one, in no small part because the concept of forgiving is so complex.
What does it mean to forgive someone? Do you have to forget in order to forgive? And what if you can’t simply “forgive” your spouse and move on with your marriage? What does that mean about you and your relationship?
In this article I am going to explore answers to some of these questions, and will offer you an alternative definition of forgiveness-one that will show you a different path for moving forward with your marriage.
What Does it Mean to “Forgive”?
For a lot of people, the very concept of “forgiving” is overwhelming. I think this is largely due to the fact that in our culture there is a fairly specific definition for what it means to forgive. Unfortunately, for a lot of people this definition is unrealistic and nearly impossible to achieve.
I think for most people in our culture the idea of “forgiveness” is almost a holy act. It’s supposed to happen in a single moment; a moment of revelation where you open your heart to another person in an act of the purest, most selfless compassion and restore the
relationship to its former level.
For example, I once heard a story about a mother and father whose daughter was murdered. At some point after the terrible crime, this couple went to prison, met with their daughter’s killer, and forgave him.
To be perfectly honest with you, this is not a kind of forgiveness I understand.
In my experience the meaning of this forgiveness and the cultural support it receives from examples like the one I just noted sets up an unrealistic expectation for people who have suffered from a trauma inflicted by another person and are trying to move forward.
As a result, people often judge themselves when they can’t seem to forgive people who have hurt them the way the two parents in the example above were able to forgive their daughter’s murderer. They seem to feel like they are not as “good” as people like this.
But in my experience, forgiveness is a very complicated and personal subject. Everyone moves forward in different ways, especially when they are trying to reconcile with people who have hurt them.
It is especially complicated when the person who has hurt you is your spouse-the one person on Earth you are supposed to trust above and beyond anyone else.
Another example might help to make this point clear.
Let’s say Jeff and Sally have been happily married for many years or at least that’s what Sally thought. She has been going through her days thinking that her husband Jeff loves her and is completely faithful to her. They have children, and they have built what seems to be a beautiful life together. Sally thinks everything is wonderful.
Then one day Jeff comes home and drops a bomb on Sally.
He tells her that he has been having an affair for more than a year. He expresses regret. He cries. He even begs for Sally’s forgiveness. But Sally is emotionally crushed. The world she felt safe in has been torn apart, and the man she thought she knew has turned out to be a liar and a cheater.
In this situation is Sally simply supposed to “forgive” her husband? Is she supposed to have some experience where she realizes in the blink of an eye that she can open up to him again; that she can trust him again?
Imagine all of the questions this must raise for Sally. What if she forgives Jeff and he betrays her trust again? What if she exposes herself to more pain by doing this? And what if she simply can’t forget what has happened, and forgive him the way those magnanimous parents did in the story above? How is she supposed to move on with her marriage?
Over and over again, I see people who have this kind of experience, and I think the questions these people ask about forgiving are legitimate.
I am not saying those parents were wrong or disingenuous. I am sure those parents were sincere in the forgiveness they offered. I’m just saying that this kind of forgiveness is not something I understand, and it’s not something I think is useful for all people.
In fact, I think it can be detrimental for couples who have suffered through an affair and are trying to move forward with their marriage. The injured person thinks he or she is supposed to be able to “forgive” his or her spouse this way, and when that can’t happen the person feels stuck, and, in some cases, judges himself or herself harshly, complicating an already difficult situation.
When I work with clients I try to get them to move toward a different kind of forgiveness than the one typically promoted by our culture. This form of forgiveness is more practical. It requires work. And it focuses on the concept of acceptance. Let me explain what I mean.
Acceptance: An Alternative to Forgiveness
Acceptance is defined as the “willingness or ability to tolerate” some event in your life. This step-accepting that the terrible events that have happened in your marriage have in fact happened-is the first thing you need to do if you are going to move on with your relationship.
That doesn’t mean you have to like what happened. You probably hate what happened. But you have to accept that it occurred, and you have to accept the feelings that come along with it if you are going to move forward.
Let’s go back to the example of Jeff and Sally above. When Sally learned about Jeff’s affair, she was emotionally destroyed. She wanted to move forward and try to save her marriage, but she just couldn’t forgive Jeff for what he did.
Sally didn’t have to forgive Jeff at when she found out, because she wouldn’t feel it in her heart.
What Sally did have to do was accept the reality that Jeff had the affair and accept her feelings about the situation and about Jeff.
If Sally is able to do this, then she can move forward with her relationship (assuming of course Jeff is willing to put some real work into changing his character and repairing the breach in trust he created). Once Sally accepts what has happened and her feelings about it, the opportunity exists to heal the pain and create a better marriage.
In fact, acceptance is the first in a series of steps that ultimately have the power to move you toward forgiveness in a practical way. Forgiveness doesn’t have to come in a single revelatory moment. It can be the outcome of specific steps leading to recovery.
These steps include:
. Exploring your own feelings, and learning how to cope with and manage them more effectively
. Rebuilding the trust in your marriage
. Communicating your pain to your partner and acquiring an appropriate and complete apology
. Getting over images and obsessive thoughts about the event that created your pain
You can work through each of these steps in practical and effective ways.
The result?
If you work through each step properly, in time the overwhelming emotions that you are experiencing right now will move to the back of your mind. You won’t experience them nearly as much, and when you do they will be less intense. The feelings will start to fade as you rebuild your marriage and get over the pain that has been created.
At this point you will move toward forgiveness. It won’t happen in a single moment. Instead it will take time, energy, investment, a real commitment, and work. AND, a demonstration by your partner that he or she has made real changes. But it can happen.
This is a different kind of forgiving. It is one that is built on practical steps you can take to heal your relationship. It’s a style of forgiving that allows you to have your feelings and still move forward with your marriage. It’s a forgiving that happens more naturally as the emotions you have fade to the background and you move on with your life.
If you do the work you need to do to heal your relationship and make it better than ever you can experience this kind of forgiveness.
You will know in retrospect when it has happened. One day you will realize that your emotions and memories of the awful circumstances have moved to the back of your mind, and you will realize it is okay to move on again. These are the hallmarks of my definition of forgiveness.
But the whole process starts with acceptance. That’s the key. That’s the starting point.
The post Forgiveness in Marriage: A Different Kind of Forgiving Your Spouse appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1573487285) } [2]=> array(11) { ["title"]=> string(42) "The Single Most Toxic Relationship Element" ["link"]=> string(81) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2019/11/11/the-single-most-toxic-relationship-element/" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 11 Nov 2019 15:27:42 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(9) "Alex Wise" } ["category"]=> string(225) "Relationship Advicecontemptcorrosivedestroy relationshipdestroy your relationshipdisdaindisregardemotional connectionlovingloving feelingsRebuild the Trustrelationship toxinsrespectscorntone of voicetoxic relationshipunworthy" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=3539" ["description"]=> string(605) "There is a toxin that can seep into your relationship, and before you even know what’s happening, it corrodes and eventually destroys your relationship. Of all the potential relationship toxins out there, this one is the single most toxic element you could ever allow in. It’s one where, you know it when you hear it, […]
The post The Single Most Toxic Relationship Element appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(4505) "There is a toxin that can seep into your relationship, and before you even know what’s happening, it corrodes and eventually destroys your relationship.
Of all the potential relationship toxins out there, this one is the single most toxic element you could ever allow in.
It’s one where, you know it when you hear it, and you have probably shuddered to hear others use it. The hard part is recognizing when you may be doing it yourself.
In this blog, you’ll learn what this toxic element is, and how to banish it from your relationship for good. Please keep reading…
It’s Like Porn… You Know it When You See It
Have you ever watched a television show, a movie, or even a cartoon, where one of the characters talks down to everyone around them, or maybe just to one person they dislike?
Their voice fairly drips with what’s called disdain. It’s one of those things where you know it when you hear it, because the tone of voice could never be mistaken for warm, inviting, loving or kind.
Other words that describe it are “contempt, scorn, disregard.”
Disdain sends a distinct message: that the person being addressed is beneath notice, unworthy of consideration or respect.
In movies and cartoons, the character would be shown either with their nose in the air, or looking down their nose at the person they’re addressing to let them know they don’t think much of them.
And woe to the relationship where disdain creeps in…
It’s difficult for the recipient of disdain to feel warm, loving feelings toward a partner who views them as beneath them and unworthy of respect. Seriously… would you be able to cuddle up with someone who talks to you like that?
Disdain absolutely destroys the fabric of love, trust and emotional connection in a relationship. It’s insulting and psychologically abusive.
Here is the first thing you need to do:
Tip #1
Determine if Disdain has Entered Your Relationship
It’s not too hard to ferret out whether or not a relationship is experiencing the corrosive power of disdain. One of the hallmarks of disdain involves insults and name calling. For example, if you or your partner has ever referred to each other as a “slob, jerk, bastard, wench, stupid, or ugly,” then disdain is present in your relationship.
Often, it’s a “heat of the moment” kind of thing. You say something that you later think, “Okay, so that wasn’t the best thing I could have said…” But when it becomes a repeat pattern, you have a major problem.
If you discover that disdain has leaked into your relationship, even the tiniest bit, here’s how to get it out:
Tip #2
Consciously Choose Your Words
So you said something in anger to your partner that was less than complimentary. It happens… but you need to be extra-vigilant to NOT let it happen a second time, which can lead to a third time, then a fourth, before next thing you know—there’s a bad habit that has formed that will ultimately destroy your relationship.
Have you ever heard a parent say to a young child (or you’ve said it yourself), “Use your words carefully?”
The same rule applies to adults. If you’re in a heated argument with your partner, pinch your arm if you have to, but make sure you are conscious of what you are about to say. It may feel like a “win” at the time to score a point with a low blow, but really… how will you feel tomorrow to know you made your partner feel less than valuable in your eyes?
Save yourself—and your partner—the pain: think first, speak second.
My best to you in ensuring this corrosive element doesn’t leak into and destroy your relationship.
The post The Single Most Toxic Relationship Element appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" } ["summary"]=> string(605) "There is a toxin that can seep into your relationship, and before you even know what’s happening, it corrodes and eventually destroys your relationship. Of all the potential relationship toxins out there, this one is the single most toxic element you could ever allow in. It’s one where, you know it when you hear it, […]
The post The Single Most Toxic Relationship Element appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["atom_content"]=> string(4505) "There is a toxin that can seep into your relationship, and before you even know what’s happening, it corrodes and eventually destroys your relationship.
Of all the potential relationship toxins out there, this one is the single most toxic element you could ever allow in.
It’s one where, you know it when you hear it, and you have probably shuddered to hear others use it. The hard part is recognizing when you may be doing it yourself.
In this blog, you’ll learn what this toxic element is, and how to banish it from your relationship for good. Please keep reading…
It’s Like Porn… You Know it When You See It
Have you ever watched a television show, a movie, or even a cartoon, where one of the characters talks down to everyone around them, or maybe just to one person they dislike?
Their voice fairly drips with what’s called disdain. It’s one of those things where you know it when you hear it, because the tone of voice could never be mistaken for warm, inviting, loving or kind.
Other words that describe it are “contempt, scorn, disregard.”
Disdain sends a distinct message: that the person being addressed is beneath notice, unworthy of consideration or respect.
In movies and cartoons, the character would be shown either with their nose in the air, or looking down their nose at the person they’re addressing to let them know they don’t think much of them.
And woe to the relationship where disdain creeps in…
It’s difficult for the recipient of disdain to feel warm, loving feelings toward a partner who views them as beneath them and unworthy of respect. Seriously… would you be able to cuddle up with someone who talks to you like that?
Disdain absolutely destroys the fabric of love, trust and emotional connection in a relationship. It’s insulting and psychologically abusive.
Here is the first thing you need to do:
Tip #1
Determine if Disdain has Entered Your Relationship
It’s not too hard to ferret out whether or not a relationship is experiencing the corrosive power of disdain. One of the hallmarks of disdain involves insults and name calling. For example, if you or your partner has ever referred to each other as a “slob, jerk, bastard, wench, stupid, or ugly,” then disdain is present in your relationship.
Often, it’s a “heat of the moment” kind of thing. You say something that you later think, “Okay, so that wasn’t the best thing I could have said…” But when it becomes a repeat pattern, you have a major problem.
If you discover that disdain has leaked into your relationship, even the tiniest bit, here’s how to get it out:
Tip #2
Consciously Choose Your Words
So you said something in anger to your partner that was less than complimentary. It happens… but you need to be extra-vigilant to NOT let it happen a second time, which can lead to a third time, then a fourth, before next thing you know—there’s a bad habit that has formed that will ultimately destroy your relationship.
Have you ever heard a parent say to a young child (or you’ve said it yourself), “Use your words carefully?”
The same rule applies to adults. If you’re in a heated argument with your partner, pinch your arm if you have to, but make sure you are conscious of what you are about to say. It may feel like a “win” at the time to score a point with a low blow, but really… how will you feel tomorrow to know you made your partner feel less than valuable in your eyes?
Save yourself—and your partner—the pain: think first, speak second.
My best to you in ensuring this corrosive element doesn’t leak into and destroy your relationship.
The post The Single Most Toxic Relationship Element appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1573486062) } [3]=> array(11) { ["title"]=> string(37) "Are You Still Hoping for Better Past?" ["link"]=> string(75) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2019/11/11/are-you-still-hoping-for-better-past/" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 11 Nov 2019 14:55:13 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(9) "Alex Wise" } ["category"]=> string(58) "Personal GrowthForgivenessself developmentself improvement" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=3536" ["description"]=> string(591) "“Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past” – Buddy Wakefield – Poet via Rev. Kathianne Lewis of Seattle Let that statement roll around in your mind for a moment. What it says is very true and amazingly simple. Many people are very hung up on what has happened in the past, some […]
The post Are You Still Hoping for Better Past? appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(5035) "“Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past”
– Buddy Wakefield – Poet via Rev. Kathianne Lewis of Seattle
Let that statement roll around in your mind for a moment. What it says is very true and amazingly simple.
Many people are very hung up on what has happened in the past, some to the point that they cannot really live in the here and now because they are mired down in what happened in their past, what happened to them, what they did to others, what they have done to themselves, etc. The wisdom of Buddy’s words is that in a way we do not forgive because in some very twisted way we are indeed hoping for a better past. When we say it that way we see the absurdity of the way we are thinking. We instantly see that we can’t hope for a better past because what has transpired will not change. We can’t go back in time and change our choices, we can’t go back in time and stop the abuse that was put upon us, we can’t go back and change what we said or did to someone or even to ourselves. Bottom line there is no hope for a better past and when we view it from this perspective we then begin to realize there is no reason to hold on to the past, there is no reason to hold a grudge, there is no reason to hold on to hate, there is no reason NOT to FORGIVE!
Truly the only way we can change the past is to change how we choose to allow the past to impact us in the present moment. We have the power to choose how we allow the past to effect this moment. We can choose at this moment to forgive.
Forgive the abuse you suffered at the hands of others
Forgive the neglect that you experienced
Forgive those who beat you down
Forgive those who stomped on your dreams
Forgive those who were not there for you when you needed them
Forgive those who abandoned you
Forgive those who showed you hate
Forgive those who did not return your love
Forgive those who lied to you
Forgive those who cheated you
Forgive those who treated you as a lesser being
Forgive those who were prejudice against you
Forgive those who did not accept you for who you are
Forgive those who pressured you into doing things you did not want to do
Forgive those who made you feel unworthy
Now:
Forgive yourself for abusing others
Forgive yourself for neglecting others
Forgive yourself for beating down others
Forgive yourself for stomping on other people’s dreams
Forgive yourself for not being there when you were needed by another
Forgive yourself for abandoning others
Forgive yourself for the hate you showed to others
Forgive yourself for not returning the love that was bestowed upon you by others
Forgive yourself for the lies you have told
Forgive yourself for cheating
Forgive yourself for acting as though you were superior to others and making people feel lesser then they are so that you could feel better about yourself
Forgive yourself for the judgments you have made out of prejudice
Forgive yourself for not accepting others as they are
Forgive yourself for coercing others into doing things they did not want to do
Forgive yourself for making others not feel worthy
Forgive yourself for not loving enough
Now:
Forgive yourself for abusing yourself
Forgive yourself for neglecting yourself
Forgive yourself for beating yourself down
Forgive yourself for not believing in your own dreams
Forgive yourself for not being present for your own needs
Forgive yourself for hating yourself at times
Forgive yourself for not loving yourself
Forgive yourself for the lies you told yourself
Forgive yourself for cheating yourself out of opportunities
Forgive yourself for being so hard on yourself
Forgive yourself for not accepting who you are
Forgive yourself for not listening to your inner voice and choosing to go against that which you knew is right for yourself
Forgive yourself for thinking you are not worthy
Forgive yourself for not loving yourself
Of course there may be other things you need to add to this list for yourself. Now do the list in reverse order. Forgive yourself first and then forgive everything and everyone else. You cannot hope for a better past however you can forgive and let go of your past and choose to create the “now” and future that you desire.
The post Are You Still Hoping for Better Past? appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" } ["summary"]=> string(591) "“Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past” – Buddy Wakefield – Poet via Rev. Kathianne Lewis of Seattle Let that statement roll around in your mind for a moment. What it says is very true and amazingly simple. Many people are very hung up on what has happened in the past, some […]
The post Are You Still Hoping for Better Past? appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["atom_content"]=> string(5035) "“Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past”
– Buddy Wakefield – Poet via Rev. Kathianne Lewis of Seattle
Let that statement roll around in your mind for a moment. What it says is very true and amazingly simple.
Many people are very hung up on what has happened in the past, some to the point that they cannot really live in the here and now because they are mired down in what happened in their past, what happened to them, what they did to others, what they have done to themselves, etc. The wisdom of Buddy’s words is that in a way we do not forgive because in some very twisted way we are indeed hoping for a better past. When we say it that way we see the absurdity of the way we are thinking. We instantly see that we can’t hope for a better past because what has transpired will not change. We can’t go back in time and change our choices, we can’t go back in time and stop the abuse that was put upon us, we can’t go back and change what we said or did to someone or even to ourselves. Bottom line there is no hope for a better past and when we view it from this perspective we then begin to realize there is no reason to hold on to the past, there is no reason to hold a grudge, there is no reason to hold on to hate, there is no reason NOT to FORGIVE!
Truly the only way we can change the past is to change how we choose to allow the past to impact us in the present moment. We have the power to choose how we allow the past to effect this moment. We can choose at this moment to forgive.
Forgive the abuse you suffered at the hands of others
Forgive the neglect that you experienced
Forgive those who beat you down
Forgive those who stomped on your dreams
Forgive those who were not there for you when you needed them
Forgive those who abandoned you
Forgive those who showed you hate
Forgive those who did not return your love
Forgive those who lied to you
Forgive those who cheated you
Forgive those who treated you as a lesser being
Forgive those who were prejudice against you
Forgive those who did not accept you for who you are
Forgive those who pressured you into doing things you did not want to do
Forgive those who made you feel unworthy
Now:
Forgive yourself for abusing others
Forgive yourself for neglecting others
Forgive yourself for beating down others
Forgive yourself for stomping on other people’s dreams
Forgive yourself for not being there when you were needed by another
Forgive yourself for abandoning others
Forgive yourself for the hate you showed to others
Forgive yourself for not returning the love that was bestowed upon you by others
Forgive yourself for the lies you have told
Forgive yourself for cheating
Forgive yourself for acting as though you were superior to others and making people feel lesser then they are so that you could feel better about yourself
Forgive yourself for the judgments you have made out of prejudice
Forgive yourself for not accepting others as they are
Forgive yourself for coercing others into doing things they did not want to do
Forgive yourself for making others not feel worthy
Forgive yourself for not loving enough
Now:
Forgive yourself for abusing yourself
Forgive yourself for neglecting yourself
Forgive yourself for beating yourself down
Forgive yourself for not believing in your own dreams
Forgive yourself for not being present for your own needs
Forgive yourself for hating yourself at times
Forgive yourself for not loving yourself
Forgive yourself for the lies you told yourself
Forgive yourself for cheating yourself out of opportunities
Forgive yourself for being so hard on yourself
Forgive yourself for not accepting who you are
Forgive yourself for not listening to your inner voice and choosing to go against that which you knew is right for yourself
Forgive yourself for thinking you are not worthy
Forgive yourself for not loving yourself
Of course there may be other things you need to add to this list for yourself. Now do the list in reverse order. Forgive yourself first and then forgive everything and everyone else. You cannot hope for a better past however you can forgive and let go of your past and choose to create the “now” and future that you desire.
The post Are You Still Hoping for Better Past? appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1573484113) } [4]=> array(11) { ["title"]=> string(48) "Losing Oneself to Fit In – The Procrustean Bed" ["link"]=> string(83) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2019/11/11/losing-oneself-to-fit-in-the-procrustean-bed/" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 11 Nov 2019 14:30:19 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(9) "Alex Wise" } ["category"]=> string(62) "Personal GrowthProcrustean Bedself developmentself improvement" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=3533" ["description"]=> string(615) "I came across the term “Procrustean Bed” last night, a term that I was not familiar with. I have come to learn that “Procrustean Bed” or Procrustean method are terms that are used to illustrate the relentless attempt to shape a person, an argument or an idea into an arbitrary or predetermined pattern (depending on […]
The post Losing Oneself to Fit In – The Procrustean Bed appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(4513) "I came across the term “Procrustean Bed” last night, a term that I was not familiar with. I have come to learn that “Procrustean Bed” or Procrustean method are terms that are used to illustrate the relentless attempt to shape a person, an argument or an idea into an arbitrary or predetermined pattern (depending on who’s definition one uses). Procrustes was the ancient champion of enforced conformity. In Greek antiquity he was a legendary highwayman who lived in Attica. He had an iron bed which he regarded as the standard of length. Because it just fit him, he concluded that everyone should fit it. He stopped every traveler and tied him to the bed. If the person happened to be too short, Procrustes stretched him until he attained the correct length; if he happened to be too long, his legs were cut off until he met the proper requirement. Thus was everyone made identical in size.
The mythology of Procrustean paints a pretty gruesome scene. What I find fascinating about the story and analogy of the Procrustean Bed is that even after centuries have passed not much has changed. Today we are still placing each other and ourselves on the proverbial Procrustean Bed as we work at trying to make ourselves and others fit in to arbitrary sized boxes while sacrificing the authenticity of our true being.
It is not unusual for a person to feel lost or feeling as though they have loss something in the process of their journey. When we are children our parents and the adults in our life guide us in a way that encourages us to “fit” in the world in the way that they think is best for us. Inadvertently the loving guidance of parents and other adults in our life as we mature sometimes represses or squashes our authentic being. It may be our authentic being that wants to be loud or inquisitive yet the adults in our life shut these traits down because they don’t make us a good “fit” in their world. We may have other authentic aspirations and talents which are suppressed because they are not valued by the society in which we were born and therefore we adjust who we are to fit the proverbial Procrustean Bed.
As we grow older we strive to “fit in” to social circles, to work circles, etc in order to build the life that we are expected to build. Many of the expectations of who we become are driven by external sources, parents, teachers, love interests, employers, media and society at large. We stretch and shrink to fit in as appropriate.
It is through this continuous stretching and shrinking that we lose our sense of self. We become like a confused chameleon on a multi colored piece of plaid fabric, that is we change so much and so often we lose sense of who we authentically are and thus we feel loss in a sea of our own change.
One of the key awakenings in our journey is to understand that we can’t possibly always fit in nor should we attempt to do so. Once we understand that it is permissible and desirable to be our authentic self and let go of the futile effort to fit into everyone else’s expectations we then can truly begin to shed the layers of false change and find who we truly are.
Of course this is easy to say and is a process to do. Sometimes we feel so lost we don’t remember who we really are, we simply have a gnawing feeling that who we are today is distant from our authentic self. The key to remember our authentic self is to be aware of our feelings and to trust our instincts. It is also helpful to remember ourselves as a child and to recall how we felt about certain things then as to how we feel about them today.
Deep inside, you know what rings true to you and what you are doing or who you have become to meet the expectations of others or to fit in. Look inside, listen to your soul and you will begin to remember that which you have taken on to fit in and that which is your authentic being. Follow your soul! Follow your heart! Be you! Let go of the need to “fit in” and you will come to know a bliss that you may have long forgotten.
The post Losing Oneself to Fit In – The Procrustean Bed appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" } ["summary"]=> string(615) "I came across the term “Procrustean Bed” last night, a term that I was not familiar with. I have come to learn that “Procrustean Bed” or Procrustean method are terms that are used to illustrate the relentless attempt to shape a person, an argument or an idea into an arbitrary or predetermined pattern (depending on […]
The post Losing Oneself to Fit In – The Procrustean Bed appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["atom_content"]=> string(4513) "I came across the term “Procrustean Bed” last night, a term that I was not familiar with. I have come to learn that “Procrustean Bed” or Procrustean method are terms that are used to illustrate the relentless attempt to shape a person, an argument or an idea into an arbitrary or predetermined pattern (depending on who’s definition one uses). Procrustes was the ancient champion of enforced conformity. In Greek antiquity he was a legendary highwayman who lived in Attica. He had an iron bed which he regarded as the standard of length. Because it just fit him, he concluded that everyone should fit it. He stopped every traveler and tied him to the bed. If the person happened to be too short, Procrustes stretched him until he attained the correct length; if he happened to be too long, his legs were cut off until he met the proper requirement. Thus was everyone made identical in size.
The mythology of Procrustean paints a pretty gruesome scene. What I find fascinating about the story and analogy of the Procrustean Bed is that even after centuries have passed not much has changed. Today we are still placing each other and ourselves on the proverbial Procrustean Bed as we work at trying to make ourselves and others fit in to arbitrary sized boxes while sacrificing the authenticity of our true being.
It is not unusual for a person to feel lost or feeling as though they have loss something in the process of their journey. When we are children our parents and the adults in our life guide us in a way that encourages us to “fit” in the world in the way that they think is best for us. Inadvertently the loving guidance of parents and other adults in our life as we mature sometimes represses or squashes our authentic being. It may be our authentic being that wants to be loud or inquisitive yet the adults in our life shut these traits down because they don’t make us a good “fit” in their world. We may have other authentic aspirations and talents which are suppressed because they are not valued by the society in which we were born and therefore we adjust who we are to fit the proverbial Procrustean Bed.
As we grow older we strive to “fit in” to social circles, to work circles, etc in order to build the life that we are expected to build. Many of the expectations of who we become are driven by external sources, parents, teachers, love interests, employers, media and society at large. We stretch and shrink to fit in as appropriate.
It is through this continuous stretching and shrinking that we lose our sense of self. We become like a confused chameleon on a multi colored piece of plaid fabric, that is we change so much and so often we lose sense of who we authentically are and thus we feel loss in a sea of our own change.
One of the key awakenings in our journey is to understand that we can’t possibly always fit in nor should we attempt to do so. Once we understand that it is permissible and desirable to be our authentic self and let go of the futile effort to fit into everyone else’s expectations we then can truly begin to shed the layers of false change and find who we truly are.
Of course this is easy to say and is a process to do. Sometimes we feel so lost we don’t remember who we really are, we simply have a gnawing feeling that who we are today is distant from our authentic self. The key to remember our authentic self is to be aware of our feelings and to trust our instincts. It is also helpful to remember ourselves as a child and to recall how we felt about certain things then as to how we feel about them today.
Deep inside, you know what rings true to you and what you are doing or who you have become to meet the expectations of others or to fit in. Look inside, listen to your soul and you will begin to remember that which you have taken on to fit in and that which is your authentic being. Follow your soul! Follow your heart! Be you! Let go of the need to “fit in” and you will come to know a bliss that you may have long forgotten.
The post Losing Oneself to Fit In – The Procrustean Bed appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1573482619) } [5]=> array(11) { ["title"]=> string(60) "Hooking-Up on Facebook, Twitter and Other Social Media Sites" ["link"]=> string(98) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2019/11/11/hooking-up-on-facebook-twitter-and-other-social-media-sites/" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 11 Nov 2019 14:03:09 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(9) "Alex Wise" } ["category"]=> string(83) "Dating Adviceadvicefacebookhooking upnetworkrelarelationshipssocial networkstwitter" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=3528" ["description"]=> string(664) "If you had the chance to hook-up with your high school or college sweetheart would you? Seems that many people are reconnecting with their love interests from high school and college via social media sites like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc. Couple this with shows like “High School Reunion” where they throw a mixture of people who […]
The post Hooking-Up on Facebook, Twitter and Other Social Media Sites appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(6805) "If you had the chance to hook-up with your high school or college sweetheart would you? Seems that many people are reconnecting with their love interests from high school and college via social media sites like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc. Couple this with shows like “High School Reunion” where they throw a mixture of people who went to high school together on private resort to see what happens, basically to see who hooks up and who doesn’t and we have an interesting cocktail of emotions and “what if’s” whirling through the minds of the masses.
The social media phenomenon and the impact it has on maturing adults is quite interesting. Many people are connecting with people that they have not seen or heard from in over twenty years. Much of the time the people that are reconnecting with are people from high school and college that they had a romantic interest in.
I opened a FaceBook account a couple months ago and within 48 hours of it being open I was contacted by three girls whom I dated while in high school and within a week I was contacted by a number of other women whom I vaguely remember from high school who were very interested in how I was doing. After a few back and fourths with each of them I reminded myself why they were in my past and shut down my account within two weeks. I was not interested in reuniting with these women from my past; however, I could see how easy it would be to hook up with them if that is what I desired to do.
I understand the allure of reconnecting with people from our past, especially people whom we were intimately involved with in our high school/college years. It is very interesting to see how these people’s lives turned out, what roads they took and where they are today. I find it very interesting how many people seem to be reconnecting with their old romances even when one or both parties are currently in a long term relationship. Some people are getting involved with their high school sweetheart to the extent where they are breaking away from their marriages. The question is why? Why after 10, 20, 30 years would one be inclined and driven to rekindle a romance with someone they have not been with or heard from since high school or college?
What is it about those relationships that make us get all giddy and lose sight of today? I think there are a number of factors. One being that most of us hold a special place in our heart for our first love; many people romanticize what that relationship felt like and what it could have been if they stayed together. For some it may be the allure of the “one that got away”, the one they never quite got over, the one in their minds who could have been “The One” and they want to explore the possibilities.
If we dig a little deeper I believe we come up with some more in depth reasons for being attracted to someone from our high school and college years. I believe much of the attraction is not necessarily to the person we dated back then as it is to a time in our life that in many ways was much simpler than today. We have to remember that when we dated this person in high school/college we did not have the responsibilities that we have today, we did not have a mortgage to pay, a career to maintain, children to run from event to event, bills to pay, laundry to do, house to clean, etc, etc, etc. Add to the fact that we weren’t living with this person and sharing every aspect of our life and we find that the time we were dating this other person becomes very alluring.
As we dig one level deeper we may find it true that the attraction that we experience for a high school/college sweetheart is not an attraction for that person at all. We may find our attraction is not even so much for a simpler time. If we dig deep what I believe we may find is that we are attracted to our self, that being our self from another time in our journey, maybe a more authentic self who was more open to the possibilities of our journey, who believed more in love and peace, who was not yet jaded or changed by the experiences of adulthood.
As I look back at who I was in my high school and college years I was wise in many ways, even though I had much to learn and experience I had some base wisdom which if I would have trusted would have served me very well. Yet like many, I allowed myself to be influenced, bent, stapled and mutilated to a point where that teenage person I was would have no longer recognized himself.
Because of where I am at in my journey, because of the awakening that I have experienced I can honestly say that my teenage years, my high school and college romances hold no allure for me. I do not have any desire to go back and try to relive those times with the people of that time for I know that there is no going back and that what we may romanticize in our mind is not what we would find if we attempted to go back.
If you are reconnecting with your high school/college sweethearts and thinking about hooking up I highly recommend that you step back and understand the attraction and what it really means in the scope of the reality of today.
I concede that there may be a few people who reconnect with the love of their life and build a successful relationship however I believe the majority of people who travel the road of reconnecting and hooking up with sweethearts from their high school/college days will find that the illusion is much sweeter than the stark reality of daily living and that they will learn a very difficult lesson which is that which seems to be the attraction is often an illusion and what we are truly seeking is that which we are. We are ultimately attracted to our authentic being and while you may recognize it in memories of your past you can only truly find your authentic self in the present.
The post Hooking-Up on Facebook, Twitter and Other Social Media Sites appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" } ["summary"]=> string(664) "If you had the chance to hook-up with your high school or college sweetheart would you? Seems that many people are reconnecting with their love interests from high school and college via social media sites like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc. Couple this with shows like “High School Reunion” where they throw a mixture of people who […]
The post Hooking-Up on Facebook, Twitter and Other Social Media Sites appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["atom_content"]=> string(6805) "If you had the chance to hook-up with your high school or college sweetheart would you? Seems that many people are reconnecting with their love interests from high school and college via social media sites like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc. Couple this with shows like “High School Reunion” where they throw a mixture of people who went to high school together on private resort to see what happens, basically to see who hooks up and who doesn’t and we have an interesting cocktail of emotions and “what if’s” whirling through the minds of the masses.
The social media phenomenon and the impact it has on maturing adults is quite interesting. Many people are connecting with people that they have not seen or heard from in over twenty years. Much of the time the people that are reconnecting with are people from high school and college that they had a romantic interest in.
I opened a FaceBook account a couple months ago and within 48 hours of it being open I was contacted by three girls whom I dated while in high school and within a week I was contacted by a number of other women whom I vaguely remember from high school who were very interested in how I was doing. After a few back and fourths with each of them I reminded myself why they were in my past and shut down my account within two weeks. I was not interested in reuniting with these women from my past; however, I could see how easy it would be to hook up with them if that is what I desired to do.
I understand the allure of reconnecting with people from our past, especially people whom we were intimately involved with in our high school/college years. It is very interesting to see how these people’s lives turned out, what roads they took and where they are today. I find it very interesting how many people seem to be reconnecting with their old romances even when one or both parties are currently in a long term relationship. Some people are getting involved with their high school sweetheart to the extent where they are breaking away from their marriages. The question is why? Why after 10, 20, 30 years would one be inclined and driven to rekindle a romance with someone they have not been with or heard from since high school or college?
What is it about those relationships that make us get all giddy and lose sight of today? I think there are a number of factors. One being that most of us hold a special place in our heart for our first love; many people romanticize what that relationship felt like and what it could have been if they stayed together. For some it may be the allure of the “one that got away”, the one they never quite got over, the one in their minds who could have been “The One” and they want to explore the possibilities.
If we dig a little deeper I believe we come up with some more in depth reasons for being attracted to someone from our high school and college years. I believe much of the attraction is not necessarily to the person we dated back then as it is to a time in our life that in many ways was much simpler than today. We have to remember that when we dated this person in high school/college we did not have the responsibilities that we have today, we did not have a mortgage to pay, a career to maintain, children to run from event to event, bills to pay, laundry to do, house to clean, etc, etc, etc. Add to the fact that we weren’t living with this person and sharing every aspect of our life and we find that the time we were dating this other person becomes very alluring.
As we dig one level deeper we may find it true that the attraction that we experience for a high school/college sweetheart is not an attraction for that person at all. We may find our attraction is not even so much for a simpler time. If we dig deep what I believe we may find is that we are attracted to our self, that being our self from another time in our journey, maybe a more authentic self who was more open to the possibilities of our journey, who believed more in love and peace, who was not yet jaded or changed by the experiences of adulthood.
As I look back at who I was in my high school and college years I was wise in many ways, even though I had much to learn and experience I had some base wisdom which if I would have trusted would have served me very well. Yet like many, I allowed myself to be influenced, bent, stapled and mutilated to a point where that teenage person I was would have no longer recognized himself.
Because of where I am at in my journey, because of the awakening that I have experienced I can honestly say that my teenage years, my high school and college romances hold no allure for me. I do not have any desire to go back and try to relive those times with the people of that time for I know that there is no going back and that what we may romanticize in our mind is not what we would find if we attempted to go back.
If you are reconnecting with your high school/college sweethearts and thinking about hooking up I highly recommend that you step back and understand the attraction and what it really means in the scope of the reality of today.
I concede that there may be a few people who reconnect with the love of their life and build a successful relationship however I believe the majority of people who travel the road of reconnecting and hooking up with sweethearts from their high school/college days will find that the illusion is much sweeter than the stark reality of daily living and that they will learn a very difficult lesson which is that which seems to be the attraction is often an illusion and what we are truly seeking is that which we are. We are ultimately attracted to our authentic being and while you may recognize it in memories of your past you can only truly find your authentic self in the present.
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" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1573480989) } [6]=> array(11) { ["title"]=> string(42) "Allowing Others to Be Perfectly Themselves" ["link"]=> string(81) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2019/11/11/allowing-others-to-be-perfectly-themselves/" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 11 Nov 2019 13:48:50 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(9) "Alex Wise" } ["category"]=> string(38) "Relationship Adviceadvicerelationships" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=3525" ["description"]=> string(610) "“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them” – Thomas Merton – Writer/Trappist Monk Much of our everyday frustration in relationships with other people is because other people […]
The post Allowing Others to Be Perfectly Themselves appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(4298) "“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them”
– Thomas Merton – Writer/Trappist Monk
Much of our everyday frustration in relationships with other people is because other people are not us. The above quote is very wise in that it speaks to a universal habit of humans to want to twist and mold other people to be more like us, to think and act like us. In our relationships with others when we do become frustrated with another person or group of people it is usually because they do not think or act as we do.
This happens in most relationships; we can often clearly see this happen in a romantic relationship. For example, in a new romantic relationship we often find ourselves thinking and doing things that the other person does in order to fit in and build the relationship. We tend to mirror each other, usually one personality is dominant and that is the personality which is mirrored weather on a conscious or unconscious level. This mirroring of the other person works initially however over time the true self begins to emerge which sometimes causes conflict because one person is no longer a mirror of the other person and therefore the reflection of their self is no longer there and with the mirror gone one may not feel as attracted to the other person.
Think for a moment how often we twist people to fit our own image. Consider how a parent may do this to their child, of course they are doing it out of “love” for them however in doing so they often inadvertently stunt or suppress the natural talents and inclinations of the child. I personally have met many disgruntled adults who have the college degree their parent wanted them to get rather than the one they desired. Consider also how a husband/wife may twist and mold their mate to fit their own image. I have heard more times than I want to count a husband or wife boast as to how well they have the other trained. Now this is usually said in a joking manner, however there is much truth in this type of humor.
We want to be loved for who we are, we want to be accepted and loved as is, we want to be loved for the perfection of our imperfection yet is this how we love others? Do we love those in our life for who they really are? Do we allow others to be perfectly themselves or do we attempt to twist and mold them into who we think they should be which is either a mirror of who we are or in some circumstances the complete opposite of who we are?
Who in your life are you attempting to twist to fit your own image? What groups of people do you not accept because they are different than you? What frustrations would be removed from your life if you love others for who they are today?
The wonderful thing about accepting and loving someone for being perfectly themselves is that we love them for who they are and we don’t get frustrated for what we feel they are missing. We also through true love and acceptance open doors to different worlds; worlds which otherwise we may have missed, worlds which enhance our experience and propel us along our journey.
Love yourself and love others as they perfectly are without expecting them to feel, think and act as you do and you will be amazed at how strong your relationships become and the doors that will open for you and the doors you will open for others.
“Every person is a new door to a different world”
– from the movie “Six Degrees of Separation”
The post Allowing Others to Be Perfectly Themselves appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" } ["summary"]=> string(610) "“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them” – Thomas Merton – Writer/Trappist Monk Much of our everyday frustration in relationships with other people is because other people […]
The post Allowing Others to Be Perfectly Themselves appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["atom_content"]=> string(4298) "“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them”
– Thomas Merton – Writer/Trappist Monk
Much of our everyday frustration in relationships with other people is because other people are not us. The above quote is very wise in that it speaks to a universal habit of humans to want to twist and mold other people to be more like us, to think and act like us. In our relationships with others when we do become frustrated with another person or group of people it is usually because they do not think or act as we do.
This happens in most relationships; we can often clearly see this happen in a romantic relationship. For example, in a new romantic relationship we often find ourselves thinking and doing things that the other person does in order to fit in and build the relationship. We tend to mirror each other, usually one personality is dominant and that is the personality which is mirrored weather on a conscious or unconscious level. This mirroring of the other person works initially however over time the true self begins to emerge which sometimes causes conflict because one person is no longer a mirror of the other person and therefore the reflection of their self is no longer there and with the mirror gone one may not feel as attracted to the other person.
Think for a moment how often we twist people to fit our own image. Consider how a parent may do this to their child, of course they are doing it out of “love” for them however in doing so they often inadvertently stunt or suppress the natural talents and inclinations of the child. I personally have met many disgruntled adults who have the college degree their parent wanted them to get rather than the one they desired. Consider also how a husband/wife may twist and mold their mate to fit their own image. I have heard more times than I want to count a husband or wife boast as to how well they have the other trained. Now this is usually said in a joking manner, however there is much truth in this type of humor.
We want to be loved for who we are, we want to be accepted and loved as is, we want to be loved for the perfection of our imperfection yet is this how we love others? Do we love those in our life for who they really are? Do we allow others to be perfectly themselves or do we attempt to twist and mold them into who we think they should be which is either a mirror of who we are or in some circumstances the complete opposite of who we are?
Who in your life are you attempting to twist to fit your own image? What groups of people do you not accept because they are different than you? What frustrations would be removed from your life if you love others for who they are today?
The wonderful thing about accepting and loving someone for being perfectly themselves is that we love them for who they are and we don’t get frustrated for what we feel they are missing. We also through true love and acceptance open doors to different worlds; worlds which otherwise we may have missed, worlds which enhance our experience and propel us along our journey.
Love yourself and love others as they perfectly are without expecting them to feel, think and act as you do and you will be amazed at how strong your relationships become and the doors that will open for you and the doors you will open for others.
“Every person is a new door to a different world”
– from the movie “Six Degrees of Separation”
The post Allowing Others to Be Perfectly Themselves appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1573480130) } [7]=> array(11) { ["title"]=> string(29) "How To Stop Negative Thoughts" ["link"]=> string(68) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2019/11/11/how-to-stop-negative-thoughts/" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 11 Nov 2019 13:26:54 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(9) "Alex Wise" } ["category"]=> string(58) "Personal Growthnegative thinkingnegativityself improvement" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=3522" ["description"]=> string(553) "I believe this is an area that many people question. The simple answer to how do we stop negative thoughts is we don’t. I am sure that you realize that the more you try to stop something the more persistent it becomes; this is especially true when we try “not” to think about something. If […]
The post How To Stop Negative Thoughts appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(5993) "I believe this is an area that many people question. The simple answer to how do we stop negative thoughts is we don’t.
I am sure that you realize that the more you try to stop something the more persistent it becomes; this is especially true when we try “not” to think about something. If I tell you to not think about a pink elephant what happens, you are now thinking about a pink elephant and the more you try not to think about a pink elephant the more you think about it. The same is true with negative thoughts. If I walk around all day saying to myself stop that negative thinking than I will actually create more and more negative thoughts. What we focus on grows. If we focus on our negative thinking than that too will grow. The key is to allow the negative thoughts to be, acknowledge the negative thought and let it flow through your mind and it will dissipate through your awareness.
I ask you for a moment to envision this coming weekend, you have a backyard barbecue planned, friends and family are invited and you are anticipating a great day spent outside enjoying the summer weather. The weekend comes and you awaken to a rainy day. The rain puts a bullet in your plans for your outdoor gathering of friends, family and fun in the sun. You are not happy about the rain. You may even curse the rain, however you know that the rain serves a greater purpose and that it will not rain forever, the Sun will return and you will enjoy the benefits of the rain in the flowers that it feeds as well as the bountiful harvest from your garden that the rain enables. When you step back from your disappointment over the rain changing your plans you can appreciate the greater purpose of the rain and what it does for you. Now consider what we call negative thoughts to be the proverbial rain in our life.
It is important that we acknowledge what we consider to be negative thoughts and why we are having what we consider to be negative thoughts. Most negative thoughts our born of fear. We may have experienced some recent loss, be it loss of a loved one through death or divorce or be it loss of our career though downsizing, be it loss of our home due to changes in our economic situation. When we experience major losses in our life it is common for us to begin to fear the next possible loss and our minds become flooded with negative and fearful thoughts. These thoughts are empowered by the fact that we now feel like we are missing something in our life. In fact, we may be missing something that was there that will never be there again. When we focus on what we are missing it is as if we become hypnotized by staring into an abyss and there is nothing in our peripheral vision.
We simply come to a point where we cannot see anything except that which is missing and this in turn drives our fear of losing something else in our life and we focus on that possible loss which if done long enough will create the loss to happen that we fear.
When we step back and examine our negative thoughts we can often see that we are simply worrying about something that has not yet happened and in most cases won’t happen and if it does will not have the impact that we dread.
There are two things to worry about, that which we can’t control and that which we can control. If you are worrying about that which you can’t control you must ask yourself why? You can’t control it so worrying about it won’t change anything. If you are worrying about that which you can control than why worry, you have control, you can take the appropriate actions and therefore the worry goes away. In the end there is nothing to worry about and nothing to fear.
The other thing about removing some negative thoughts from your mind is to limit your exposure to things that induce fear and negative thoughts. The media thrives on negative news. Negative news is often salacious and compelling to listen to however it also opens up channels of negative thought patterns for us. We are impacted by what we see and hear in the mass media. We are impacted by watching shows on the possible ends of the world, weapons of mass destruction, war, and realty shows that highlights and exaggerates the negative aspects of people. While it is important to be informed about the world, we do not need to bombard ourselves with twenty-four-hour news coverage or expose ourselves to drama as form of entertainment or distraction from our own life.
Sometimes what we consider to be negative thoughts are like the unexpected rain in that our negative thoughts have purpose, they serve as warnings, they serve as a reminder to increase our awareness or maybe as a sign to remember to listen to our intuition. It is important that we don’t simply dismiss a negative thought because we view it as negative.
One last thought on this subject is that we must be careful when labeling our thoughts as positive or negative, good or bad, etc. Thoughts are thoughts, they are part or our process and it is through our awareness that we learn to channel our thoughts in ways that serve us. Remember you are in control of your thoughts, you are the creator of your thoughts and it is your thoughts which create your journey.
“He who would be useful, strong, and happy must cease to be a passive receptacle for the negative, beggarly, and impure streams of thought, as a wise householder commands his servants and invites his guests, so must he learn to command his desires and to say, wsith authority, what thoughts he shall admit into the mansion of his soul”
– James Allen – New Zealander Statesman
The post How To Stop Negative Thoughts appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" } ["summary"]=> string(553) "I believe this is an area that many people question. The simple answer to how do we stop negative thoughts is we don’t. I am sure that you realize that the more you try to stop something the more persistent it becomes; this is especially true when we try “not” to think about something. If […]
The post How To Stop Negative Thoughts appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["atom_content"]=> string(5993) "I believe this is an area that many people question. The simple answer to how do we stop negative thoughts is we don’t.
I am sure that you realize that the more you try to stop something the more persistent it becomes; this is especially true when we try “not” to think about something. If I tell you to not think about a pink elephant what happens, you are now thinking about a pink elephant and the more you try not to think about a pink elephant the more you think about it. The same is true with negative thoughts. If I walk around all day saying to myself stop that negative thinking than I will actually create more and more negative thoughts. What we focus on grows. If we focus on our negative thinking than that too will grow. The key is to allow the negative thoughts to be, acknowledge the negative thought and let it flow through your mind and it will dissipate through your awareness.
I ask you for a moment to envision this coming weekend, you have a backyard barbecue planned, friends and family are invited and you are anticipating a great day spent outside enjoying the summer weather. The weekend comes and you awaken to a rainy day. The rain puts a bullet in your plans for your outdoor gathering of friends, family and fun in the sun. You are not happy about the rain. You may even curse the rain, however you know that the rain serves a greater purpose and that it will not rain forever, the Sun will return and you will enjoy the benefits of the rain in the flowers that it feeds as well as the bountiful harvest from your garden that the rain enables. When you step back from your disappointment over the rain changing your plans you can appreciate the greater purpose of the rain and what it does for you. Now consider what we call negative thoughts to be the proverbial rain in our life.
It is important that we acknowledge what we consider to be negative thoughts and why we are having what we consider to be negative thoughts. Most negative thoughts our born of fear. We may have experienced some recent loss, be it loss of a loved one through death or divorce or be it loss of our career though downsizing, be it loss of our home due to changes in our economic situation. When we experience major losses in our life it is common for us to begin to fear the next possible loss and our minds become flooded with negative and fearful thoughts. These thoughts are empowered by the fact that we now feel like we are missing something in our life. In fact, we may be missing something that was there that will never be there again. When we focus on what we are missing it is as if we become hypnotized by staring into an abyss and there is nothing in our peripheral vision.
We simply come to a point where we cannot see anything except that which is missing and this in turn drives our fear of losing something else in our life and we focus on that possible loss which if done long enough will create the loss to happen that we fear.
When we step back and examine our negative thoughts we can often see that we are simply worrying about something that has not yet happened and in most cases won’t happen and if it does will not have the impact that we dread.
There are two things to worry about, that which we can’t control and that which we can control. If you are worrying about that which you can’t control you must ask yourself why? You can’t control it so worrying about it won’t change anything. If you are worrying about that which you can control than why worry, you have control, you can take the appropriate actions and therefore the worry goes away. In the end there is nothing to worry about and nothing to fear.
The other thing about removing some negative thoughts from your mind is to limit your exposure to things that induce fear and negative thoughts. The media thrives on negative news. Negative news is often salacious and compelling to listen to however it also opens up channels of negative thought patterns for us. We are impacted by what we see and hear in the mass media. We are impacted by watching shows on the possible ends of the world, weapons of mass destruction, war, and realty shows that highlights and exaggerates the negative aspects of people. While it is important to be informed about the world, we do not need to bombard ourselves with twenty-four-hour news coverage or expose ourselves to drama as form of entertainment or distraction from our own life.
Sometimes what we consider to be negative thoughts are like the unexpected rain in that our negative thoughts have purpose, they serve as warnings, they serve as a reminder to increase our awareness or maybe as a sign to remember to listen to our intuition. It is important that we don’t simply dismiss a negative thought because we view it as negative.
One last thought on this subject is that we must be careful when labeling our thoughts as positive or negative, good or bad, etc. Thoughts are thoughts, they are part or our process and it is through our awareness that we learn to channel our thoughts in ways that serve us. Remember you are in control of your thoughts, you are the creator of your thoughts and it is your thoughts which create your journey.
“He who would be useful, strong, and happy must cease to be a passive receptacle for the negative, beggarly, and impure streams of thought, as a wise householder commands his servants and invites his guests, so must he learn to command his desires and to say, wsith authority, what thoughts he shall admit into the mansion of his soul”
– James Allen – New Zealander Statesman
The post How To Stop Negative Thoughts appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1573478814) } [8]=> array(11) { ["title"]=> string(17) "A Loving Break-up" ["link"]=> string(56) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2019/11/11/a-loving-break-up/" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 11 Nov 2019 13:11:02 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(9) "Alex Wise" } ["category"]=> string(62) "Relationship Advicebreak upbreaking upBreakup Recoverybreakups" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=3518" ["description"]=> string(530) "“There are times when two people need to step apart from one another, but there is no rule that says they have to turn and fire” ~Robert Brault – Writer Very few people are able to traverse the end of a romantic relationship in a way that doesn’t end up with hurtful words being exchanged […]
The post A Loving Break-up appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(4526) "“There are times when two people need to step apart from one another, but there is no rule that says they have to turn and fire”
~Robert Brault – Writer
Very few people are able to traverse the end of a romantic relationship in a way that doesn’t end up with hurtful words being exchanged and long term damage being inflicted. It is interesting how two people can go from one end of the spectrum where they are each other’s world to the other end of the spectrum where they cannot stand the fact that the other person is even breathing. It has been my observation at the end of my most serious romantic relationships and the end of other couples’ relationships that even when both parties agree to part in a civil manner that they rarely are able to part friends and be civil. There are numerous reasons why breaking up is hard to do. Even when we part on good terms and agree that this is the best and most loving thing to do for each person there are often external and internal influences that turn the tables and mayhem ensues.
The external factors are often friends and family who believe there must be a bad guy and that the break-up is someone’s fault and it is often their influence that can turn a mutual parting into a war of the roses parting. If a lawyer is involved in the dissolution of the relationship the lawyer may do things that create riffs in the pool of emotions that each person is treading water in. Feelings are hurt, anger is fueled and all of a sudden each person is at the jugular vein of the other.
The internal factor is primarily the ego. We tend to forget that there were two people involved in the success and failure of the relationship and we begin to assign blame and point fingers at the very person who at one point we could not imagine living without. Our ego takes the position that we were wronged and that the other person was to blame. We say things that are hurtful, we re-write the story of our relationship, we sometimes take the position of the victim and we go out of our way to inflict hurt and pain on the other person based on our now distorted view of the relationship.
Of course relationships that end on a mutual note do not have to end this way. People can love each other and choose to recognize that the loving thing to do for each other is to part ways. We can do this by coming from love in everything we do and by recognizing that other people who may want to make someone the bad guy does not know what you know about your relationship, that they have their own baggage that is influencing their advice to stick it to the other person, to make them pay, etc.
Parting with peace and love is more difficult when one partner does not want the relationship to end. There are truly toxic relationships where no matter how loving you are the other person is going to react in anger, in a controlling manner, in a jealous manner and attempt to make your life a living hell. Know that you can choose to send that person love from a distance, that you can choose to be compassionate in your dealings, you do not have to mirror the anger and pain the other person inflicts upon you. Our knee jerk reaction is often to act in kind and be just as mean and hurtful as the other person is being. No one wins when this happens.
Remember peace is a choice. You can choose to be loving and peaceful even when your relationship comes to an end. Remember also if you don’t engage in drama the drama loses its appeal for the other person.
Breaking up can be hard to do under the best of situations. Be loving at the end of your relationship. Remember at one time you were madly in love with the person who now sits on the other side of the mediation table, remember that although the way you love the other person may have changed that you can still love them as you would love anyone else. As strange as it may sound, when you break up, do so with love.brea
The post A Loving Break-up appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" } ["summary"]=> string(530) "“There are times when two people need to step apart from one another, but there is no rule that says they have to turn and fire” ~Robert Brault – Writer Very few people are able to traverse the end of a romantic relationship in a way that doesn’t end up with hurtful words being exchanged […]
The post A Loving Break-up appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["atom_content"]=> string(4526) "“There are times when two people need to step apart from one another, but there is no rule that says they have to turn and fire”
~Robert Brault – Writer
Very few people are able to traverse the end of a romantic relationship in a way that doesn’t end up with hurtful words being exchanged and long term damage being inflicted. It is interesting how two people can go from one end of the spectrum where they are each other’s world to the other end of the spectrum where they cannot stand the fact that the other person is even breathing. It has been my observation at the end of my most serious romantic relationships and the end of other couples’ relationships that even when both parties agree to part in a civil manner that they rarely are able to part friends and be civil. There are numerous reasons why breaking up is hard to do. Even when we part on good terms and agree that this is the best and most loving thing to do for each person there are often external and internal influences that turn the tables and mayhem ensues.
The external factors are often friends and family who believe there must be a bad guy and that the break-up is someone’s fault and it is often their influence that can turn a mutual parting into a war of the roses parting. If a lawyer is involved in the dissolution of the relationship the lawyer may do things that create riffs in the pool of emotions that each person is treading water in. Feelings are hurt, anger is fueled and all of a sudden each person is at the jugular vein of the other.
The internal factor is primarily the ego. We tend to forget that there were two people involved in the success and failure of the relationship and we begin to assign blame and point fingers at the very person who at one point we could not imagine living without. Our ego takes the position that we were wronged and that the other person was to blame. We say things that are hurtful, we re-write the story of our relationship, we sometimes take the position of the victim and we go out of our way to inflict hurt and pain on the other person based on our now distorted view of the relationship.
Of course relationships that end on a mutual note do not have to end this way. People can love each other and choose to recognize that the loving thing to do for each other is to part ways. We can do this by coming from love in everything we do and by recognizing that other people who may want to make someone the bad guy does not know what you know about your relationship, that they have their own baggage that is influencing their advice to stick it to the other person, to make them pay, etc.
Parting with peace and love is more difficult when one partner does not want the relationship to end. There are truly toxic relationships where no matter how loving you are the other person is going to react in anger, in a controlling manner, in a jealous manner and attempt to make your life a living hell. Know that you can choose to send that person love from a distance, that you can choose to be compassionate in your dealings, you do not have to mirror the anger and pain the other person inflicts upon you. Our knee jerk reaction is often to act in kind and be just as mean and hurtful as the other person is being. No one wins when this happens.
Remember peace is a choice. You can choose to be loving and peaceful even when your relationship comes to an end. Remember also if you don’t engage in drama the drama loses its appeal for the other person.
Breaking up can be hard to do under the best of situations. Be loving at the end of your relationship. Remember at one time you were madly in love with the person who now sits on the other side of the mediation table, remember that although the way you love the other person may have changed that you can still love them as you would love anyone else. As strange as it may sound, when you break up, do so with love.brea
The post A Loving Break-up appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1573477862) } [9]=> array(11) { ["title"]=> string(20) "The Company You Keep" ["link"]=> string(59) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2019/11/11/the-company-you-keep/" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 11 Nov 2019 13:04:16 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(9) "Alex Wise" } ["category"]=> string(61) "Personal Growthcompanyfriendsself developmentself improvement" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=3514" ["description"]=> string(547) "If you look into the life of successful people (define success in any way you want to) you will usually find that one of the reasons they are successful is because they are surrounded and supported by people who enhance their journey. We have all heard people exclaim that they could not have achieved their […]
The post The Company You Keep appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(4649) "If you look into the life of successful people (define success in any way you want to) you will usually find that one of the reasons they are successful is because they are surrounded and supported by people who enhance their journey. We have all heard people exclaim that they could not have achieved their success without the support and love of others. Many of us have heard that we are who we are today because we stand on the shoulders of those who came before us.
As we were growing up it is very likely that a parent or another adult of influence advised us that “we are the company we keep” in an attempt to teach us the lesson of being aware of whom we hang out with because the people we congregate with often influence our decisions and behaviors.
This lesson is no less important at any point in our journey. It is important in all aspects of our health, spiritual, physical and mental to be aware of whom we surround ourselves with and how the company we keep impacts us. No one person is an island, we are all connected and it is the awareness and strength of our connections that help us to love, to grow, to be compassionate, etc.
Some people consciously establish distinct groups of people in their life who they reach out to for support in different aspects of their life. One might establish a “Brain Trust”, a brain trust could be a group of people in your life that you could reach out to when you are making an important decision and you want to confer with the brilliance of a group who could provide you intelligent guidance as you make your decision.
One might also establish a “Love Trust”, a love trust could be a group of people whom you could reach out to when you simply need to the support of love in your life, unconditional love, a safe group of people whom you trust implicitly with your heart, who will be there with love to catch you if you are falling and who will rally to support your success no matter what.
One might establish a “Spiritual Trust”, a spiritual trust may be a group of people whom you can reach out to discuss spiritual matters, who can help you in your spiritual growth and who you are comfortable with speaking about spiritual beliefs, feelings, intuitions, etc with.
Of course some of the people may be interchanged between groups. At the same time you may find that someone in your brain trust is not someone who fits into your love trust. The key is to be aware of the people who are in your life who are available to enhance your journey as well as you being available to enhance their journey.
At the same time we are considering the people in our life who enhance our journey it is equally important to consider the people in our life who do not enhance our journey and how these people are impacting our life. Everyone comes into our life for a purpose, some come for a short time, some for a lifetime. Sometimes we hang on to relationships out of our own fears or because we have established a comfort zone with people even when it is time for us or them to move on. I don’t suggest we discount the value of any one person in our life, however there are times when it is important to discern if it is time to allow a relationship to end or at the very least to create distance from.
As in all things it is critical that we be aware of our environment which includes the people who are in life.
Today, think about the people whom you want to surround yourself with and what attributes you would like them to have. Also consider who can benefit from your presence, who you can mentor, who you could give your unconditional love to, who would benefit from your wisdom, etc. Reach out and let them know you are there for them.
Remember to judge people not in terms of good or bad for it may be someone outside your normal social circle, someone whom you may have shunned who may be your greatest teacher, your greatest resource, who is simply waiting for you to invite them to experience your journey.
The post The Company You Keep appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" } ["summary"]=> string(547) "If you look into the life of successful people (define success in any way you want to) you will usually find that one of the reasons they are successful is because they are surrounded and supported by people who enhance their journey. We have all heard people exclaim that they could not have achieved their […]
The post The Company You Keep appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
" ["atom_content"]=> string(4649) "If you look into the life of successful people (define success in any way you want to) you will usually find that one of the reasons they are successful is because they are surrounded and supported by people who enhance their journey. We have all heard people exclaim that they could not have achieved their success without the support and love of others. Many of us have heard that we are who we are today because we stand on the shoulders of those who came before us.
As we were growing up it is very likely that a parent or another adult of influence advised us that “we are the company we keep” in an attempt to teach us the lesson of being aware of whom we hang out with because the people we congregate with often influence our decisions and behaviors.
This lesson is no less important at any point in our journey. It is important in all aspects of our health, spiritual, physical and mental to be aware of whom we surround ourselves with and how the company we keep impacts us. No one person is an island, we are all connected and it is the awareness and strength of our connections that help us to love, to grow, to be compassionate, etc.
Some people consciously establish distinct groups of people in their life who they reach out to for support in different aspects of their life. One might establish a “Brain Trust”, a brain trust could be a group of people in your life that you could reach out to when you are making an important decision and you want to confer with the brilliance of a group who could provide you intelligent guidance as you make your decision.
One might also establish a “Love Trust”, a love trust could be a group of people whom you could reach out to when you simply need to the support of love in your life, unconditional love, a safe group of people whom you trust implicitly with your heart, who will be there with love to catch you if you are falling and who will rally to support your success no matter what.
One might establish a “Spiritual Trust”, a spiritual trust may be a group of people whom you can reach out to discuss spiritual matters, who can help you in your spiritual growth and who you are comfortable with speaking about spiritual beliefs, feelings, intuitions, etc with.
Of course some of the people may be interchanged between groups. At the same time you may find that someone in your brain trust is not someone who fits into your love trust. The key is to be aware of the people who are in your life who are available to enhance your journey as well as you being available to enhance their journey.
At the same time we are considering the people in our life who enhance our journey it is equally important to consider the people in our life who do not enhance our journey and how these people are impacting our life. Everyone comes into our life for a purpose, some come for a short time, some for a lifetime. Sometimes we hang on to relationships out of our own fears or because we have established a comfort zone with people even when it is time for us or them to move on. I don’t suggest we discount the value of any one person in our life, however there are times when it is important to discern if it is time to allow a relationship to end or at the very least to create distance from.
As in all things it is critical that we be aware of our environment which includes the people who are in life.
Today, think about the people whom you want to surround yourself with and what attributes you would like them to have. Also consider who can benefit from your presence, who you can mentor, who you could give your unconditional love to, who would benefit from your wisdom, etc. Reach out and let them know you are there for them.
Remember to judge people not in terms of good or bad for it may be someone outside your normal social circle, someone whom you may have shunned who may be your greatest teacher, your greatest resource, who is simply waiting for you to invite them to experience your journey.
The post The Company You Keep appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.
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