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      string(282) "Dear Loveawake, I’ve known this guy for a couple of years. Two years ago he broke up with his girlfriend of five years. (The decision was mutual). One month after the breakup I was the first girl he went on a date with. I knew it was too soon for him but he didn’t say […]"
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Dear Loveawake,

I’ve known this guy for a couple of years. Two years ago he broke up with his girlfriend of five years. (The decision was mutual). One month after the breakup I was the first girl he went on a date with. I knew it was too soon for him but he didn’t say it; I just had a feeling that proved to be right. We “lasted” for two weeks. He couldn’t do it anymore and ended it. Since then, he’s tried to date other women, but couldn’t start an emotional relationship with anyone.

We used to bump into each other every now and then. It was friendly but a bit awkward. He kept sending me mixed messages—you know the drill—and every time he saw mutual friends he asked them about me first. However, every time I tried to initiate a get-together with a friend or a group of friends he would politely decline.

The turning point happened last summer. We started seeing each other more often. First, we saw each other once a week. Then twice. Then three, even four times a week. He is the one who initiates it almost every time. (I might have participated with 10%).

Sometimes we’re in a group of friends, sometimes we’re alone. There are, of course, mixed messages still coming from him. (Constantly complimenting me, showing moderate jealousy, staring at me, bumping me etc.), But mostly I ignore it.

To be honest, I really like him as a person and I’ve never had such good time with anyone. When I told him that, he admitted that he felt the same. He’s pretty anti-social and doesn’t get close to people, but we started sharing secrets, having internal jokes, and grew very close to the point of people asking us if we were a couple etc. It is very unusual for him to behave like that with anyone, be it a male or a female. We even said “I love you” to each other. He is very caring towards me, and called me his “soft spot” not long ago.
He initiated a “what-went-wrong” conversation a couple of times, and every time we would come to the same conclusion—it’s not me or any other woman, for that matter—it’s him.

A couple of months ago, he suggested we became friends with benefits, which I sharply declined. He agreed it would be a bad solution for the both of us because it would screw him up too, but that he obviously wasn’t ready for a relationship either. We’ve never talked about that since. We spend more time with each other than we do with anyone.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m in a relationship with him but I know I’m not. We don’t have any physical contact, except for back/shoulder touching, occasional arm intertwining and kisses on the cheek.

I flirt with other men and I do have a life besides him. (And I believe the same goes for him.) But we don’t talk about other men/women, nor do we flirt with anyone when we’re together.

I know you guys aren’t mind-readers, but I’d like to know what do you think of the whole situation. What am I to him?

Thank you!

Myrtle

Dear Myrtle,

Thanks for your question. You’re right, we’re not mind readers but this scenario is familiar to us.

Our sense is he wants very much to be in love with you. So many pieces of a successful relationship are present. Trust. Mutual respect. Fun. Laughs. Comfort. On paper the two of you should be together, which is part of the reason all of your friends wonder aloud what’s going on, and why you are so confused about the situation. But the problem is, love is not a spreadsheet of pros and cons. There’s always that other piece. The X factor. The “I don’t know why I love her but I do” factor. Or on the flip side. The “I don’t know what’s wrong with me because she’s perfect” factor.

And the “latter” is what we suspect is going on for him, which accounts for all the mixed-messages you are getting from him. He can’t seem to figure out why he isn’t jumping into a relationship with you; but something is holding him back. Sure, it could be his own inability to connect with someone emotionally. (But we have to assume he was connected to his ex in that way.) It could be too soon after his breakup with his ex. (Some people take longer to rebound.) But it’s more likely that some piece is missing for him that he can’t quite seem to put his finger on.

So our gut tells us you are a great friend to him and that’s where it’s likely to stay. So now you have to ask yourself if you’re okay with this? Because if you’re hanging out with him hoping something is going to change we think you’re going to be frustrated. Just the fact that he suggested a FWB (Friends with Benefits) arrangement tells us the two of you are on different pages here.

We’re glad you’re keeping your other options open and are interested in other men as well. We’d hate for you to spend so much emotionally energy and time on this guy and then have it implode when he starts to date other women. So keep yourself out there, have some fun, and treat this guy as just a friend. Who knows, maybe he’ll be someone that could provide you with some insights into some of the new men in your life. We highly recommend having friends of the opposite sex. (Strictly friends, not FWB)

We’d love to hear your thoughts. Leave us a comment and/or a follow question. We’ll respond here as well. (And if something huge changes, let us know. We’d love to know we were wrong.)

Take care,

Loveawake 

" } ["wfw"]=> array(1) { ["commentrss"]=> string(92) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/06/01/is-he-interested-in-friendship-or-something-more/feed/" } ["slash"]=> array(1) { ["comments"]=> string(1) "0" } ["summary"]=> string(282) "Dear Loveawake, I’ve known this guy for a couple of years. Two years ago he broke up with his girlfriend of five years. (The decision was mutual). One month after the breakup I was the first girl he went on a date with. I knew it was too soon for him but he didn’t say […]" ["atom_content"]=> string(6171) "

Dear Loveawake,

I’ve known this guy for a couple of years. Two years ago he broke up with his girlfriend of five years. (The decision was mutual). One month after the breakup I was the first girl he went on a date with. I knew it was too soon for him but he didn’t say it; I just had a feeling that proved to be right. We “lasted” for two weeks. He couldn’t do it anymore and ended it. Since then, he’s tried to date other women, but couldn’t start an emotional relationship with anyone.

We used to bump into each other every now and then. It was friendly but a bit awkward. He kept sending me mixed messages—you know the drill—and every time he saw mutual friends he asked them about me first. However, every time I tried to initiate a get-together with a friend or a group of friends he would politely decline.

The turning point happened last summer. We started seeing each other more often. First, we saw each other once a week. Then twice. Then three, even four times a week. He is the one who initiates it almost every time. (I might have participated with 10%).

Sometimes we’re in a group of friends, sometimes we’re alone. There are, of course, mixed messages still coming from him. (Constantly complimenting me, showing moderate jealousy, staring at me, bumping me etc.), But mostly I ignore it.

To be honest, I really like him as a person and I’ve never had such good time with anyone. When I told him that, he admitted that he felt the same. He’s pretty anti-social and doesn’t get close to people, but we started sharing secrets, having internal jokes, and grew very close to the point of people asking us if we were a couple etc. It is very unusual for him to behave like that with anyone, be it a male or a female. We even said “I love you” to each other. He is very caring towards me, and called me his “soft spot” not long ago.
He initiated a “what-went-wrong” conversation a couple of times, and every time we would come to the same conclusion—it’s not me or any other woman, for that matter—it’s him.

A couple of months ago, he suggested we became friends with benefits, which I sharply declined. He agreed it would be a bad solution for the both of us because it would screw him up too, but that he obviously wasn’t ready for a relationship either. We’ve never talked about that since. We spend more time with each other than we do with anyone.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m in a relationship with him but I know I’m not. We don’t have any physical contact, except for back/shoulder touching, occasional arm intertwining and kisses on the cheek.

I flirt with other men and I do have a life besides him. (And I believe the same goes for him.) But we don’t talk about other men/women, nor do we flirt with anyone when we’re together.

I know you guys aren’t mind-readers, but I’d like to know what do you think of the whole situation. What am I to him?

Thank you!

Myrtle

Dear Myrtle,

Thanks for your question. You’re right, we’re not mind readers but this scenario is familiar to us.

Our sense is he wants very much to be in love with you. So many pieces of a successful relationship are present. Trust. Mutual respect. Fun. Laughs. Comfort. On paper the two of you should be together, which is part of the reason all of your friends wonder aloud what’s going on, and why you are so confused about the situation. But the problem is, love is not a spreadsheet of pros and cons. There’s always that other piece. The X factor. The “I don’t know why I love her but I do” factor. Or on the flip side. The “I don’t know what’s wrong with me because she’s perfect” factor.

And the “latter” is what we suspect is going on for him, which accounts for all the mixed-messages you are getting from him. He can’t seem to figure out why he isn’t jumping into a relationship with you; but something is holding him back. Sure, it could be his own inability to connect with someone emotionally. (But we have to assume he was connected to his ex in that way.) It could be too soon after his breakup with his ex. (Some people take longer to rebound.) But it’s more likely that some piece is missing for him that he can’t quite seem to put his finger on.

So our gut tells us you are a great friend to him and that’s where it’s likely to stay. So now you have to ask yourself if you’re okay with this? Because if you’re hanging out with him hoping something is going to change we think you’re going to be frustrated. Just the fact that he suggested a FWB (Friends with Benefits) arrangement tells us the two of you are on different pages here.

We’re glad you’re keeping your other options open and are interested in other men as well. We’d hate for you to spend so much emotionally energy and time on this guy and then have it implode when he starts to date other women. So keep yourself out there, have some fun, and treat this guy as just a friend. Who knows, maybe he’ll be someone that could provide you with some insights into some of the new men in your life. We highly recommend having friends of the opposite sex. (Strictly friends, not FWB)

We’d love to hear your thoughts. Leave us a comment and/or a follow question. We’ll respond here as well. (And if something huge changes, let us know. We’d love to know we were wrong.)

Take care,

Loveawake 

" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1591017329) } [1]=> array(14) { ["title"]=> string(63) "Who Will You Inspire? Why Are You Here? A Life Purpose Exercise" ["link"]=> string(100) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/06/01/who-will-you-inspire-why-are-you-here-a-life-purpose-exercise/" ["comments"]=> string(108) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/06/01/who-will-you-inspire-why-are-you-here-a-life-purpose-exercise/#respond" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 01 Jun 2020 12:53:17 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(7) "Diana D" } ["category"]=> string(37) "Personal Growthadviceself improvement" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=5075" ["description"]=> string(333) "“Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in life has a purpose.” ~Elisabeth Ross Why are here? What is your purpose? If you are a living, breathing, functional human being-you have a purpose. So let’s dish- what’s yours? I’ll give you two hints: You’re purpose is tied to […]" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(3485) "

“Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in life has a purpose.” ~Elisabeth Ross

Why are here? What is your purpose? If you are a living, breathing, functional human being-you have a purpose. So let’s dish- what’s yours?

I’ll give you two hints:

  1. You’re purpose is tied to what you love. The universe places desires in us for a reason. Follow your joy, your purpose is nearby.
  2. You’re purpose has more to do with others than it has to do with you. You were placed on this earth for a reason-to contribute. What are your talents? Gifts? They too are tied to your purpose.

Without a purpose in life, it’s easy to get sidetracked on your journey. You drift along, accomplishing little all the while feeling like something is “missing”. I discovered my life purpose fairly recently, but since I have, everything I do has become intentional and it is easy to inject passion into what I do-I am fulfilled. My life purpose is:

 To use my creativity, and passion to inspire and empower women to love themselves first, and live out the life of their dreams.

Now everything I do falls in line with this. If it sounds like a good opportunity, but is not aligned with my purpose, I know it’s not right for me.

So I’m asking you-what is your purpose? Who will you inspire? How will you contribute? If you have no clue whatsoever (which I hadn’t) here is a little exercise to help you out. I would love for you to do the exercise and then write what you come up with in the comments. I always find it so inspiring to hear what others have come to realize their purpose is, especially when it is the first time!  Remember, to be truly happy you have to learn to inject passion dn purpose in everything you do. I love you.

The Life Purpose Exercise

  1. List two of your unique personal qualities, such as enthusiasm and creativity.
  2. List one or two ways you enjoy expressing those qualities when interacting with others, such as support and to inspire.
  3. Assume the world is perfect right now. What does this world look like? How is everyone interacting with everyone else? What does it feel like? Write your answer as a statement, in the present tense, describing the ultimate condition, the perfect world as you see it and feel it. Remember, a perfect world is a fun place to be.

Ex: everyone is freely expressing their own unique talents. Everyone is working in harmony. Everyone is expressing love.

  1. Combine the three prior subdivisions of this paragraph into a single statement

Ex: my purpose is to use my creativity and enthusiasm to support and inspire others to freely express their talents in a harmonious and loving way.

*this life purpose exercise was taken Arnold M. Patent, spiritual coach and author of You Can Have It All

 

" } ["wfw"]=> array(1) { ["commentrss"]=> string(105) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/06/01/who-will-you-inspire-why-are-you-here-a-life-purpose-exercise/feed/" } ["slash"]=> array(1) { ["comments"]=> string(1) "0" } ["summary"]=> string(333) "“Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in life has a purpose.” ~Elisabeth Ross Why are here? What is your purpose? If you are a living, breathing, functional human being-you have a purpose. So let’s dish- what’s yours? I’ll give you two hints: You’re purpose is tied to […]" ["atom_content"]=> string(3485) "

“Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in life has a purpose.” ~Elisabeth Ross

Why are here? What is your purpose? If you are a living, breathing, functional human being-you have a purpose. So let’s dish- what’s yours?

I’ll give you two hints:

  1. You’re purpose is tied to what you love. The universe places desires in us for a reason. Follow your joy, your purpose is nearby.
  2. You’re purpose has more to do with others than it has to do with you. You were placed on this earth for a reason-to contribute. What are your talents? Gifts? They too are tied to your purpose.

Without a purpose in life, it’s easy to get sidetracked on your journey. You drift along, accomplishing little all the while feeling like something is “missing”. I discovered my life purpose fairly recently, but since I have, everything I do has become intentional and it is easy to inject passion into what I do-I am fulfilled. My life purpose is:

 To use my creativity, and passion to inspire and empower women to love themselves first, and live out the life of their dreams.

Now everything I do falls in line with this. If it sounds like a good opportunity, but is not aligned with my purpose, I know it’s not right for me.

So I’m asking you-what is your purpose? Who will you inspire? How will you contribute? If you have no clue whatsoever (which I hadn’t) here is a little exercise to help you out. I would love for you to do the exercise and then write what you come up with in the comments. I always find it so inspiring to hear what others have come to realize their purpose is, especially when it is the first time!  Remember, to be truly happy you have to learn to inject passion dn purpose in everything you do. I love you.

The Life Purpose Exercise

  1. List two of your unique personal qualities, such as enthusiasm and creativity.
  2. List one or two ways you enjoy expressing those qualities when interacting with others, such as support and to inspire.
  3. Assume the world is perfect right now. What does this world look like? How is everyone interacting with everyone else? What does it feel like? Write your answer as a statement, in the present tense, describing the ultimate condition, the perfect world as you see it and feel it. Remember, a perfect world is a fun place to be.

Ex: everyone is freely expressing their own unique talents. Everyone is working in harmony. Everyone is expressing love.

  1. Combine the three prior subdivisions of this paragraph into a single statement

Ex: my purpose is to use my creativity and enthusiasm to support and inspire others to freely express their talents in a harmonious and loving way.

*this life purpose exercise was taken Arnold M. Patent, spiritual coach and author of You Can Have It All

 

" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1591015997) } [2]=> array(14) { ["title"]=> string(42) "Recycled Dates: 8 Great Green Dating Ideas" ["link"]=> string(80) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/06/01/recycled-dates-8-great-green-dating-ideas/" ["comments"]=> string(88) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/06/01/recycled-dates-8-great-green-dating-ideas/#respond" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 01 Jun 2020 12:45:13 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(9) "Alex Wise" } ["category"]=> string(57) "First Datesdatedate ideasdatingfirst datefirst date ideas" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=5072" ["description"]=> string(319) "Summer is right around the corner, and that means an opportunity to get off the couch. Whether you’ve been dating a few weeks or are looking for a unique first date idea, we have the key to success: giving back. With the whole world going green you’ll show your date how caring and considerate you […]" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(4122) "

Summer is right around the corner, and that means an opportunity to get off the couch. Whether you’ve been dating a few weeks or are looking for a unique first date idea, we have the key to success: giving back.

With the whole world going green you’ll show your date how caring and considerate you are. Plus by going outside there will be natural — no pun intended — conversation starters around every corner. So have some fun with your new love while giving back to the community and the planet.

Here are our 8 Green Date Ideas:

Date Idea #1. Art in the Park. Check with your local theater groups for date ideas. Many work with local parks and recreation departments to offer outdoor performances of plays. From Shakespeare to musicals, there is a date idea there everyone. If your local theater group doesn’t go outside, check with the local symphony for outdoor concerts.

Date Idea #2. A picnic dinner. Picnics aren’t just for families enjoying a day at the park, they also make a great green date idea. Grab a cozy blanket and head for your local beach or park just before dusk. Take real plates, silverware and stemware along with a few romantic favorites like rich cheeses, wine and fresh fruit. Don’t forget the candles! As the stars come out, cuddle together to talk constellations … or whatever comes to mind.

Date Idea #3. Take a walk. Walking is romantic. So, for an easy and green date idea grab your walking shoes and check out those great older buildings downtown, listen to the birds chirping in the park or just watch the sunset through a copse of trees. If your town has a few nature trails, even better!

Date Idea #4. Plant a tree. Every spring local parks departments plant new trees where older growth have died off. Many times they invite the public to help. For an fun green date idea, pack a picnic lunch and head out for a morning of not-so-hard labor with your date. After planting a few trees, spread your blanket beneath an older tree and enjoy the rest of the day.

Date Idea #5. Take your date sailing. If you have some sailing skills, rent a sailboat for the day. Take your date out on the water and teach him — or her — the ropes. Wind power will take you along for the ride, so there are no environmental worries. Don’t forget the sunscreen and pack some fresh fruits and veggies for lunch.

Date Idea #6. Play Frisbee golf. Your date may hate the idea of actual golfing, but Frisbee golf is so much more than hitting a tiny white ball into a tiny hole in the ground. Together you’ll enjoy the scenery of your local golf course; there will be plenty to talk about — and those dreaded first-date-silences? They’ll fade into the distance as you enjoy a day on the links.

Date Idea #7. Donate your time together. Nothing feels as good as giving back to your community. Whether you and your date decide to cook a meal for a local shelter or volunteer to work on a Habitat for Humanity home, you’ll spend the day giving back and getting to know one another better. Plus, at the end of the day you can enjoy a hot jacuzzi to ease those aching muscles!

Date Idea #8. Get cooking! Bike with your date to the local farmer’s market to shop for fresh, organic produce. Wander the stalls, check out the offerings from local artists and grab some yummy fruits, veggies and breads along the way. Then go back home and whip up an organic feast out of your fresh purchases together.

 

" } ["wfw"]=> array(1) { ["commentrss"]=> string(85) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/06/01/recycled-dates-8-great-green-dating-ideas/feed/" } ["slash"]=> array(1) { ["comments"]=> string(1) "0" } ["summary"]=> string(319) "Summer is right around the corner, and that means an opportunity to get off the couch. Whether you’ve been dating a few weeks or are looking for a unique first date idea, we have the key to success: giving back. With the whole world going green you’ll show your date how caring and considerate you […]" ["atom_content"]=> string(4122) "

Summer is right around the corner, and that means an opportunity to get off the couch. Whether you’ve been dating a few weeks or are looking for a unique first date idea, we have the key to success: giving back.

With the whole world going green you’ll show your date how caring and considerate you are. Plus by going outside there will be natural — no pun intended — conversation starters around every corner. So have some fun with your new love while giving back to the community and the planet.

Here are our 8 Green Date Ideas:

Date Idea #1. Art in the Park. Check with your local theater groups for date ideas. Many work with local parks and recreation departments to offer outdoor performances of plays. From Shakespeare to musicals, there is a date idea there everyone. If your local theater group doesn’t go outside, check with the local symphony for outdoor concerts.

Date Idea #2. A picnic dinner. Picnics aren’t just for families enjoying a day at the park, they also make a great green date idea. Grab a cozy blanket and head for your local beach or park just before dusk. Take real plates, silverware and stemware along with a few romantic favorites like rich cheeses, wine and fresh fruit. Don’t forget the candles! As the stars come out, cuddle together to talk constellations … or whatever comes to mind.

Date Idea #3. Take a walk. Walking is romantic. So, for an easy and green date idea grab your walking shoes and check out those great older buildings downtown, listen to the birds chirping in the park or just watch the sunset through a copse of trees. If your town has a few nature trails, even better!

Date Idea #4. Plant a tree. Every spring local parks departments plant new trees where older growth have died off. Many times they invite the public to help. For an fun green date idea, pack a picnic lunch and head out for a morning of not-so-hard labor with your date. After planting a few trees, spread your blanket beneath an older tree and enjoy the rest of the day.

Date Idea #5. Take your date sailing. If you have some sailing skills, rent a sailboat for the day. Take your date out on the water and teach him — or her — the ropes. Wind power will take you along for the ride, so there are no environmental worries. Don’t forget the sunscreen and pack some fresh fruits and veggies for lunch.

Date Idea #6. Play Frisbee golf. Your date may hate the idea of actual golfing, but Frisbee golf is so much more than hitting a tiny white ball into a tiny hole in the ground. Together you’ll enjoy the scenery of your local golf course; there will be plenty to talk about — and those dreaded first-date-silences? They’ll fade into the distance as you enjoy a day on the links.

Date Idea #7. Donate your time together. Nothing feels as good as giving back to your community. Whether you and your date decide to cook a meal for a local shelter or volunteer to work on a Habitat for Humanity home, you’ll spend the day giving back and getting to know one another better. Plus, at the end of the day you can enjoy a hot jacuzzi to ease those aching muscles!

Date Idea #8. Get cooking! Bike with your date to the local farmer’s market to shop for fresh, organic produce. Wander the stalls, check out the offerings from local artists and grab some yummy fruits, veggies and breads along the way. Then go back home and whip up an organic feast out of your fresh purchases together.

 

" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1591015513) } [3]=> array(14) { ["title"]=> string(39) "I Went On A Date That Lasted 11 Minutes" ["link"]=> string(78) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/06/01/i-went-on-a-date-that-lasted-11-minutes/" ["comments"]=> string(86) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/06/01/i-went-on-a-date-that-lasted-11-minutes/#respond" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 01 Jun 2020 12:27:53 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(12) "Guest Author" } ["category"]=> string(31) "First Datesdatedatingfirst date" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=5067" ["description"]=> string(299) "I looked down at my phone: 8:11pm. We met at 8pm. Time flies when you’re having no fun at all. I recently signed up for the new-ish dating site Coffee Meets Bagel and “J” was my second date there; I had high hopes since my first “bagel,” as they call it, was a flop. J intrigued […]" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(8516) "

I looked down at my phone: 8:11pm. We met at 8pm. Time flies when you’re having no fun at all.

I recently signed up for the new-ish dating site Coffee Meets Bagel and “J” was my second date there; I had high hopes since my first “bagel,” as they call it, was a flop. J intrigued me because he’s a psychotherapist, though in retrospect, I think the emphasis is on the “psycho” part of that job title.

I had never gone out with a therapist before. Most of my dates have been with bankers, lawyers, etc., and since I am a big believer in therapy, I thought, “Hey, maybe he’s super enlightened and open-minded.” Wrong. Without any further background, I bring you…my 11-minute date.  Call me nothing if not efficient.

J picked the place; a little bar that was convenient for both of us (bonus points for him). He had already arrived, and as I walked up to him I saw that yeah, he wasn’t as cute as his photos, but the photos were him, at least.

I sat down, and immediately noticed he had a full beer and a glass of water. He kind of stared at me with a blank expression for a few seconds, so I began asking questions about what he studied in school, his therapy practice, what kinds of patients he sees, etc. He responded to everything with a twitch of resentment which, hello, is a HUGE turn-off. Thankfully, I find therapy fascinating, but I AM curious what he would’ve done if I didn’t lead the conversation. He didn’t ask me any questions; I took that as a sign that he was turned off by me. Eventually he started talking a bit more, wooing me with stories about how he hates LA, hates LA women, doesn’t like the beach. Then he said, “So you’re from New York originally? I’m from Iowa and I really don’t like New York.”

OKAAAAY — I consider myself a fairly accepting person, but if there is ONE WAY to get on my bad side quickly, that way would be insulting my home state. I guess being a born-and-raised New Yorker has given me the gift of being able to tell someone exactly where to stick it when they cross the line but, for some reason, I didn’t immediately rip him a new one. This was fascinating to me…kind of like an anthropological study on what not to say to someone when you’re already bordering on douchebag.  To my own surprise, I let his comment go and said “so…what kind of beer are you drinking?”  Mind you, at this point, it was pretty obvious that there was no waitress coming around and that one of us was going to have to go up to the bar and order me a drink…and it wasn’t going to be me.

J replied with “oh…just a Blue Moon…nothing special.”  “Do you like to drink?” he asked. “I do!  I’m feeling some wine tonight,” I replied.

J then said he had to use the restroom and excused himself.  It was at this point that I started to wonder why I was doing this to myself.

I started listing things in my head that I’d rather be doing: working on my blog, playing with my cats, cleaning my apartment, getting a root canal, waiting in line at the DMV, waking up and realizing that I have the Mike Tyson face tattoo from “The Hangover,” and the list gets worse from there.

J returned and started talking about how he really likes online dating, especially  Coffee Meets Bagel, because he feels it “narrows down the search,” which it absolutely does, but now I’m realizing that I need a bigger pond to fish from. I’m guessing he can see that I’m starting to lose patience, especially since I’m getting thirsty, and the waitress hasn’t even come around once, so I don’t have any water, much less a glass of wine.

Then he asked, “Do you like online dating?”  Well, shit. If someone asks me my opinion, they’re gonna get it.  “Well, to be honest, not really. I find it exhausting,” I said. “Really?!” he asked with the most excitement I’d seen all night.  “Yeah…it’s mostly just because you have to go on a ton of dates and most of the time the guys I meet are super-nice, but it’s not very often that you feel that connection, you know?” He looked perplexed and asked me to explain.  “Well, like OUR date. It’s clear that we’re not into each other and I spent a lot of time planning this, getting ready, etc. and it’s just frustrating after a certain point.”

By then he had a complete “what the fuck?” look on his face, which I kind of got…I mean, even if he wasn’t picking up on the “I’m not into you” signals, it’s not every day that someone is so confrontational about it. But I felt liberated.  “What do you mean?!” he screeched. “I thought we were getting along great, you’re really cool.”

Oh shit. Now I’m the asshole. I decide that I should probably explain to him how I came to this conclusion out of respect and also for the fact that it might help him in the future.

“Well, just one example would be the fact that you didn’t offer to get me a drink when you have a full beer and a water and I have NOTHING in front of me…that’s just bad manners.”

He quickly snapped back “I want to make something clear, I DO have good manners…VERY GOOD MANNERS, actually…I just don’t go around buying people drinks.”

“Ok,” I replied completely calmly, “but the fact that you have two drinks and I have zero isn’t polite…where I come from (bringing up the state that he supposedly dislikes), a man buys a woman a drink on the first date.  And even if we were just friends, you don’t think it’s rude for me to sit here with nothing while you drink your two drinks?”

And, here’s my favorite “argument” ever: “I believe in equality and I asked you if you like to drink,” he answered back.

“As do I, but I’m sorry, you’re just being rude. I’m more than happy to pay for my own drink but when you asked if I like to drink, I answered and you didn’t say “Hey, want me to open a tab for you?” or anything that would point me in the direction of you being such a male feminist.”

He looked embarrassed and was clearly still in shock, so I said “Look…you seem like a nice enough guy but, drinks aside, I can tell we’re not a good fit and honestly, I’d rather be home watching TV.”

“Well go then!” he angrily shot back.

“OK great!  Nice meeting you” I cheerfully said while getting up.

He started to get up as well and I quickly said “Oh no, please!  Finish your beer!” while gesturing toward the said drinks, and then walked out.

I looked down at my cell phone: 8:11 pm. We met at 8 pm. Time flies when you’re having no fun at all.

Jokes and negativity aside, like I said, there was something incredibly liberating about the fact that I assessed the situation, confronted him (while still being respectful), and then left a situation that I didn’t want to be in. I walked out of that bar in the BEST MOOD that I’ve been in all month, truly. I handed my ticket to the valet and he said “Wait, you just got here. I’m sorry, I still have to charge you the $5.”  I handed him a $10 bill, smiled, and replied “Keep the change!” I was high on life.

Sometimes it takes a really negative person to reboot your perspective and change your attitude. Do I still hate online dating? Absolutely. But after my date with J, I learned that I have to screen these guys a little more before agreeing to meet them.

I’m sure J will eventually find someone, and I honestly hope that me being so direct with him helps him on his future dates. I know that I’ve personally learned a lot from making my own mistakes, which is why I encourage everyone to be more honest in their dating journey. It feels amazing, saves time and energy and like I said: Call me nothing if not efficient.

Written by Jamie S

" } ["wfw"]=> array(1) { ["commentrss"]=> string(83) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/06/01/i-went-on-a-date-that-lasted-11-minutes/feed/" } ["slash"]=> array(1) { ["comments"]=> string(1) "0" } ["summary"]=> string(299) "I looked down at my phone: 8:11pm. We met at 8pm. Time flies when you’re having no fun at all. I recently signed up for the new-ish dating site Coffee Meets Bagel and “J” was my second date there; I had high hopes since my first “bagel,” as they call it, was a flop. J intrigued […]" ["atom_content"]=> string(8516) "

I looked down at my phone: 8:11pm. We met at 8pm. Time flies when you’re having no fun at all.

I recently signed up for the new-ish dating site Coffee Meets Bagel and “J” was my second date there; I had high hopes since my first “bagel,” as they call it, was a flop. J intrigued me because he’s a psychotherapist, though in retrospect, I think the emphasis is on the “psycho” part of that job title.

I had never gone out with a therapist before. Most of my dates have been with bankers, lawyers, etc., and since I am a big believer in therapy, I thought, “Hey, maybe he’s super enlightened and open-minded.” Wrong. Without any further background, I bring you…my 11-minute date.  Call me nothing if not efficient.

J picked the place; a little bar that was convenient for both of us (bonus points for him). He had already arrived, and as I walked up to him I saw that yeah, he wasn’t as cute as his photos, but the photos were him, at least.

I sat down, and immediately noticed he had a full beer and a glass of water. He kind of stared at me with a blank expression for a few seconds, so I began asking questions about what he studied in school, his therapy practice, what kinds of patients he sees, etc. He responded to everything with a twitch of resentment which, hello, is a HUGE turn-off. Thankfully, I find therapy fascinating, but I AM curious what he would’ve done if I didn’t lead the conversation. He didn’t ask me any questions; I took that as a sign that he was turned off by me. Eventually he started talking a bit more, wooing me with stories about how he hates LA, hates LA women, doesn’t like the beach. Then he said, “So you’re from New York originally? I’m from Iowa and I really don’t like New York.”

OKAAAAY — I consider myself a fairly accepting person, but if there is ONE WAY to get on my bad side quickly, that way would be insulting my home state. I guess being a born-and-raised New Yorker has given me the gift of being able to tell someone exactly where to stick it when they cross the line but, for some reason, I didn’t immediately rip him a new one. This was fascinating to me…kind of like an anthropological study on what not to say to someone when you’re already bordering on douchebag.  To my own surprise, I let his comment go and said “so…what kind of beer are you drinking?”  Mind you, at this point, it was pretty obvious that there was no waitress coming around and that one of us was going to have to go up to the bar and order me a drink…and it wasn’t going to be me.

J replied with “oh…just a Blue Moon…nothing special.”  “Do you like to drink?” he asked. “I do!  I’m feeling some wine tonight,” I replied.

J then said he had to use the restroom and excused himself.  It was at this point that I started to wonder why I was doing this to myself.

I started listing things in my head that I’d rather be doing: working on my blog, playing with my cats, cleaning my apartment, getting a root canal, waiting in line at the DMV, waking up and realizing that I have the Mike Tyson face tattoo from “The Hangover,” and the list gets worse from there.

J returned and started talking about how he really likes online dating, especially  Coffee Meets Bagel, because he feels it “narrows down the search,” which it absolutely does, but now I’m realizing that I need a bigger pond to fish from. I’m guessing he can see that I’m starting to lose patience, especially since I’m getting thirsty, and the waitress hasn’t even come around once, so I don’t have any water, much less a glass of wine.

Then he asked, “Do you like online dating?”  Well, shit. If someone asks me my opinion, they’re gonna get it.  “Well, to be honest, not really. I find it exhausting,” I said. “Really?!” he asked with the most excitement I’d seen all night.  “Yeah…it’s mostly just because you have to go on a ton of dates and most of the time the guys I meet are super-nice, but it’s not very often that you feel that connection, you know?” He looked perplexed and asked me to explain.  “Well, like OUR date. It’s clear that we’re not into each other and I spent a lot of time planning this, getting ready, etc. and it’s just frustrating after a certain point.”

By then he had a complete “what the fuck?” look on his face, which I kind of got…I mean, even if he wasn’t picking up on the “I’m not into you” signals, it’s not every day that someone is so confrontational about it. But I felt liberated.  “What do you mean?!” he screeched. “I thought we were getting along great, you’re really cool.”

Oh shit. Now I’m the asshole. I decide that I should probably explain to him how I came to this conclusion out of respect and also for the fact that it might help him in the future.

“Well, just one example would be the fact that you didn’t offer to get me a drink when you have a full beer and a water and I have NOTHING in front of me…that’s just bad manners.”

He quickly snapped back “I want to make something clear, I DO have good manners…VERY GOOD MANNERS, actually…I just don’t go around buying people drinks.”

“Ok,” I replied completely calmly, “but the fact that you have two drinks and I have zero isn’t polite…where I come from (bringing up the state that he supposedly dislikes), a man buys a woman a drink on the first date.  And even if we were just friends, you don’t think it’s rude for me to sit here with nothing while you drink your two drinks?”

And, here’s my favorite “argument” ever: “I believe in equality and I asked you if you like to drink,” he answered back.

“As do I, but I’m sorry, you’re just being rude. I’m more than happy to pay for my own drink but when you asked if I like to drink, I answered and you didn’t say “Hey, want me to open a tab for you?” or anything that would point me in the direction of you being such a male feminist.”

He looked embarrassed and was clearly still in shock, so I said “Look…you seem like a nice enough guy but, drinks aside, I can tell we’re not a good fit and honestly, I’d rather be home watching TV.”

“Well go then!” he angrily shot back.

“OK great!  Nice meeting you” I cheerfully said while getting up.

He started to get up as well and I quickly said “Oh no, please!  Finish your beer!” while gesturing toward the said drinks, and then walked out.

I looked down at my cell phone: 8:11 pm. We met at 8 pm. Time flies when you’re having no fun at all.

Jokes and negativity aside, like I said, there was something incredibly liberating about the fact that I assessed the situation, confronted him (while still being respectful), and then left a situation that I didn’t want to be in. I walked out of that bar in the BEST MOOD that I’ve been in all month, truly. I handed my ticket to the valet and he said “Wait, you just got here. I’m sorry, I still have to charge you the $5.”  I handed him a $10 bill, smiled, and replied “Keep the change!” I was high on life.

Sometimes it takes a really negative person to reboot your perspective and change your attitude. Do I still hate online dating? Absolutely. But after my date with J, I learned that I have to screen these guys a little more before agreeing to meet them.

I’m sure J will eventually find someone, and I honestly hope that me being so direct with him helps him on his future dates. I know that I’ve personally learned a lot from making my own mistakes, which is why I encourage everyone to be more honest in their dating journey. It feels amazing, saves time and energy and like I said: Call me nothing if not efficient.

Written by Jamie S

" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1591014473) } [4]=> array(14) { ["title"]=> string(70) "Top 5 Keywords That Cause Men To Get Rejected on Internet Dating sites" ["link"]=> string(109) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/05/25/top-5-keywords-that-cause-men-to-get-rejected-on-internet-dating-sites/" ["comments"]=> string(117) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/05/25/top-5-keywords-that-cause-men-to-get-rejected-on-internet-dating-sites/#respond" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 25 May 2020 15:45:34 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(12) "Guest Author" } ["category"]=> string(73) "Studiesdatinginternet datingloveonline datingrelationshipsresearchstudies" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=5058" ["description"]=> string(374) "I know, I know — we all might be getting a tad bit cranky when it comes to Internet dating. It’s exhausting enough doing it, but it’s also exhausting hearing other people bitch about it. I hear you, I feel you, I totally get you, though I DO confess a slight, sick reverence for hearing other women’s tragic online-dating horror tales […]" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(4220) "

I know, I know — we all might be getting a tad bit cranky when it comes to Internet dating. It’s exhausting enough doing it, but it’s also exhausting hearing other people bitch about it. I hear you, I feel you, I totally get you, though I DO confess a slight, sick reverence for hearing other women’s tragic online-dating horror tales — hey, at least I’m not alone, you know? (Don’t lie; it’s fun.)

Anyway, just when I’ve thrown my hands in the air and loudly proclaimed, “THAT’S IT FOREVER AND ALWAYS DERRRRR DUUUUDE I’M SO DONE,” another bizarre study is turned loose upon the media, unveiling shocking new truths about the perils of trying to sell your soul (i.e., attract a date) on the Web.

The Loveawake study reveals the odd bit of info that, in examining the profiles of 7,294 male daters who were rejected by ladies, the top 5 words the men’s profiles shared were “romantic,” “adventurous,” “fun,” “mature,” and “gentleman.” (All were adjectives the dudes used to describe themselves.)

Apparently, the term “romantic” made women vom the hardest (43 percent of the shunned men’s profiles contained that word), followed by “adventurous” (19 percent). “Fun” got 14 percent, “mature” earned 11, and “gentleman” came in at 10. But … Why did those particular keywords turn so many women off?

I’d venture to offer that it’s because they’re a bit … cliche. Women know when guys think they’re being all clever ‘n shit, spouting off exactly what they think we want to hear to help oh so subtly nudge us in the direction of getting naked, but the truth is … Most of them just don’t. (Truly know what we want to hear, I mean.) Proof: tossing around the word “romantic” like it’s their favorite new hobby.

I’m not saying that men can’t or shouldn’t be romantic — if they really, truly are. Most of us appreciate a bit of romance — I know I do, but only if it feels natural and sincere. Seeing “I’m a hopeless romantic!” on every other 30-something guy’s dating profile does not inspire confidence about the actual potential of said guys so much as it makes me feel like they’re feeding me sweet little lines.

I have no beef with the other words on the rejected list, though, and have no clue why they’d purportedly trigger women to recoil en masse. I can kind of see the ick factor in a guy describing himself as a “gentleman” — again with the cliches. But the rest of the descriptors seem pretty harmless, if a bit generic.

Here’s my personal list of 5 Internet-dating man-words (or man-phrases) that give me a legit case of the heebie-jeebies:

1. Massage (as in “I’m really good at massage, both giving and receiving.”)

2. Burning Man (as in that’s one of his main interests, or an overarching theme in his profile, or the dusty-hippie background of every single one of his photos)

3. “Making art” (as in … you get it)

4. “No TV” (as in ANY POSSIBLE VARIATION on the notion of being too cool/smart/busy for television, including the classic “I don’t have time for TV” or “I don’t own a TV” — please, for the love of Jesus, spare us)

5. Jesus (as in “I’ve accepted Jesus as my lord and savior.” I’d totally consider dating someone with different spiritual  beliefs, but no zealots, thx).

What dating keywords creep you out (online, or in real life)? Please discuss below.

Written by Laura B.

" } ["wfw"]=> array(1) { ["commentrss"]=> string(114) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/05/25/top-5-keywords-that-cause-men-to-get-rejected-on-internet-dating-sites/feed/" } ["slash"]=> array(1) { ["comments"]=> string(1) "0" } ["summary"]=> string(374) "I know, I know — we all might be getting a tad bit cranky when it comes to Internet dating. It’s exhausting enough doing it, but it’s also exhausting hearing other people bitch about it. I hear you, I feel you, I totally get you, though I DO confess a slight, sick reverence for hearing other women’s tragic online-dating horror tales […]" ["atom_content"]=> string(4220) "

I know, I know — we all might be getting a tad bit cranky when it comes to Internet dating. It’s exhausting enough doing it, but it’s also exhausting hearing other people bitch about it. I hear you, I feel you, I totally get you, though I DO confess a slight, sick reverence for hearing other women’s tragic online-dating horror tales — hey, at least I’m not alone, you know? (Don’t lie; it’s fun.)

Anyway, just when I’ve thrown my hands in the air and loudly proclaimed, “THAT’S IT FOREVER AND ALWAYS DERRRRR DUUUUDE I’M SO DONE,” another bizarre study is turned loose upon the media, unveiling shocking new truths about the perils of trying to sell your soul (i.e., attract a date) on the Web.

The Loveawake study reveals the odd bit of info that, in examining the profiles of 7,294 male daters who were rejected by ladies, the top 5 words the men’s profiles shared were “romantic,” “adventurous,” “fun,” “mature,” and “gentleman.” (All were adjectives the dudes used to describe themselves.)

Apparently, the term “romantic” made women vom the hardest (43 percent of the shunned men’s profiles contained that word), followed by “adventurous” (19 percent). “Fun” got 14 percent, “mature” earned 11, and “gentleman” came in at 10. But … Why did those particular keywords turn so many women off?

I’d venture to offer that it’s because they’re a bit … cliche. Women know when guys think they’re being all clever ‘n shit, spouting off exactly what they think we want to hear to help oh so subtly nudge us in the direction of getting naked, but the truth is … Most of them just don’t. (Truly know what we want to hear, I mean.) Proof: tossing around the word “romantic” like it’s their favorite new hobby.

I’m not saying that men can’t or shouldn’t be romantic — if they really, truly are. Most of us appreciate a bit of romance — I know I do, but only if it feels natural and sincere. Seeing “I’m a hopeless romantic!” on every other 30-something guy’s dating profile does not inspire confidence about the actual potential of said guys so much as it makes me feel like they’re feeding me sweet little lines.

I have no beef with the other words on the rejected list, though, and have no clue why they’d purportedly trigger women to recoil en masse. I can kind of see the ick factor in a guy describing himself as a “gentleman” — again with the cliches. But the rest of the descriptors seem pretty harmless, if a bit generic.

Here’s my personal list of 5 Internet-dating man-words (or man-phrases) that give me a legit case of the heebie-jeebies:

1. Massage (as in “I’m really good at massage, both giving and receiving.”)

2. Burning Man (as in that’s one of his main interests, or an overarching theme in his profile, or the dusty-hippie background of every single one of his photos)

3. “Making art” (as in … you get it)

4. “No TV” (as in ANY POSSIBLE VARIATION on the notion of being too cool/smart/busy for television, including the classic “I don’t have time for TV” or “I don’t own a TV” — please, for the love of Jesus, spare us)

5. Jesus (as in “I’ve accepted Jesus as my lord and savior.” I’d totally consider dating someone with different spiritual  beliefs, but no zealots, thx).

What dating keywords creep you out (online, or in real life)? Please discuss below.

Written by Laura B.

" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1590421534) } [5]=> array(14) { ["title"]=> string(73) "To the Guy Who Expressed His Love for Non-Black Women and Others Like Him" ["link"]=> string(112) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/05/25/to-the-guy-who-expressed-his-love-for-non-black-women-and-others-like-him/" ["comments"]=> string(120) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/05/25/to-the-guy-who-expressed-his-love-for-non-black-women-and-others-like-him/#respond" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 25 May 2020 15:37:36 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(12) "Guest Author" } ["category"]=> string(44) "Relationship Adviceblackblack menblack women" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=5054" ["description"]=> string(331) "About a month ago, I was on the tele with a male acquaintance. We were having a lighthearted discussion about dating, joking back and forth about why each other’s gender was to blame for all love woes. Then, he paused to make a serious point mid-conversation: “In my experiences, Latina women are really loyal though. […]" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(6345) "

About a month ago, I was on the tele with a male acquaintance. We were having a lighthearted discussion about dating, joking back and forth about why each other’s gender was to blame for all love woes. Then, he paused to make a serious point mid-conversation: “In my experiences, Latina women are really loyal though. Like, really loyal.” Hmmm, I thought to myself. Interesting. A few seconds later he made the infamous “And Black women be havin’ them attitudes” argument. I wasn’t offended in the slightest, but just fascinated at his and other (but not all) Black men’s logic supporting their appreciation for non-Black women.

I’m not one of those who get all bothered and tight when I see one of ours with not one of us. But I do find it a little odd and at times humorous when the reasons are “Black women nag too much,” “Y’all quick to run when things get bad,” etc. Every black woman has heard and can recite the 101 Reasons Why Black Women Aren’t Datable list. It always makes me chuckle a bit because every time I hear one of the justifications as to why my gorgeous range of vanilla to ebony-black sisters and I don’t meet some lost soul’s dating criteria, it’s complete and utter bull with no substantial backing. I have not the time to rebuttal each and every reason, but I do want to address our “attitude” and “disloyalty.”

What trips me about the words “nagging” and “attitude” is they’re usually said when we call you out for your questionable behavior: not coming home last night, frequent conversations on the statement from an unfamiliar number, slacking around the house. If I lose my cool after you accidentally pocket dial me while having a more than friendly conversation with another woman, that’s not nagging; that’s holding you accountable.

Black women birth Black men, we raise Black men, we grow up with and befriend Black men. We KNOW Black men! We can note the smallest nuances in your body language and voice and know when you’re telling the truth and when you’re B.S-ing. A woman of another makeup may believe that your phone died, you got drunk, and you passed out at Terrance’s house until 6 a.m. and not give you any flack for it, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s not a nagger. It’s more than likely a matter of she doesn’t know you and your slick game the way your own does, so therefore she doesn’t know there’s cause for nagging—a.k.a hounding you until you provide an explanation that actually makes sense. Additionally, Black women are very expressive and are conditioned early on to be vocal and intolerant of disrespect. In a study by the Washington Post, Black women ranked higher than white women, Black men and white men when asked how much they valued being respected by others. We also outnumbered white women when asked if we strongly agree with the statement, “I see myself as someone who has high self-esteem.” In instances where non-Black women may let your slipups slide, our confidence and demand to be respected just won’t allow us to do the same.

As far as disloyalty is concerned, it always boggles my mind when you can even fix your lips to say such a thing. We’ve all personally known a significant number of black women who’ve supported and stood by their men through money lows, infidelity, and every other trial and tribulation imaginable. Even when we fly off at the mouth about how you hurt us once again, we stick around when “loyal” others would have long ago left the scene. We’re the same women who will single-handedly raise your estimated 5 million fatherless kids, and then encourage them to forgive you and cultivate a relationship when you decide to show up 20 years later. When a deranged neighborhood watchman or racist Ferguson police officer decides to murder you with no just cause, we’re the majority standing with you and rallying in the streets. Not the faces of your “loyal” Kardashian-esque gems, whose privilege, by the way, has them so out of touch that they genuinely see no harm in fiddling with their phones while the world aims to bring awareness to your injustice. Meanwhile, the only support you showed for mercilessly murdered Black women and Aiyana Jones was watching “Crooed Smile.” But we don’t trip about that though, because we, in all of our disloyalty, see the bigger picture and understand that in many social contexts, society has already served your plate a surplus of struggle.

I say all that to say, if you have a thing for non-Black women, cool. But don’t justify why by downplaying us. Just admit that your unaddressed issues of self-hate made you more inclined to value disproportionate beauty standards, or that you like being able to “do you” without someone constantly checking you, or whatever the reason may be. Yes, we have our issues, as do all women, as do you, as do all people. But the ones you so often speak of aren’t reflective of our shortcomings. Instead, they suggest that your vision has fell victim to society’s false depictions of our beauty and character attributes, which, ironically, you helped to birth and shape.

Written by Essence Gant

" } ["wfw"]=> array(1) { ["commentrss"]=> string(117) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/05/25/to-the-guy-who-expressed-his-love-for-non-black-women-and-others-like-him/feed/" } ["slash"]=> array(1) { ["comments"]=> string(1) "0" } ["summary"]=> string(331) "About a month ago, I was on the tele with a male acquaintance. We were having a lighthearted discussion about dating, joking back and forth about why each other’s gender was to blame for all love woes. Then, he paused to make a serious point mid-conversation: “In my experiences, Latina women are really loyal though. […]" ["atom_content"]=> string(6345) "

About a month ago, I was on the tele with a male acquaintance. We were having a lighthearted discussion about dating, joking back and forth about why each other’s gender was to blame for all love woes. Then, he paused to make a serious point mid-conversation: “In my experiences, Latina women are really loyal though. Like, really loyal.” Hmmm, I thought to myself. Interesting. A few seconds later he made the infamous “And Black women be havin’ them attitudes” argument. I wasn’t offended in the slightest, but just fascinated at his and other (but not all) Black men’s logic supporting their appreciation for non-Black women.

I’m not one of those who get all bothered and tight when I see one of ours with not one of us. But I do find it a little odd and at times humorous when the reasons are “Black women nag too much,” “Y’all quick to run when things get bad,” etc. Every black woman has heard and can recite the 101 Reasons Why Black Women Aren’t Datable list. It always makes me chuckle a bit because every time I hear one of the justifications as to why my gorgeous range of vanilla to ebony-black sisters and I don’t meet some lost soul’s dating criteria, it’s complete and utter bull with no substantial backing. I have not the time to rebuttal each and every reason, but I do want to address our “attitude” and “disloyalty.”

What trips me about the words “nagging” and “attitude” is they’re usually said when we call you out for your questionable behavior: not coming home last night, frequent conversations on the statement from an unfamiliar number, slacking around the house. If I lose my cool after you accidentally pocket dial me while having a more than friendly conversation with another woman, that’s not nagging; that’s holding you accountable.

Black women birth Black men, we raise Black men, we grow up with and befriend Black men. We KNOW Black men! We can note the smallest nuances in your body language and voice and know when you’re telling the truth and when you’re B.S-ing. A woman of another makeup may believe that your phone died, you got drunk, and you passed out at Terrance’s house until 6 a.m. and not give you any flack for it, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s not a nagger. It’s more than likely a matter of she doesn’t know you and your slick game the way your own does, so therefore she doesn’t know there’s cause for nagging—a.k.a hounding you until you provide an explanation that actually makes sense. Additionally, Black women are very expressive and are conditioned early on to be vocal and intolerant of disrespect. In a study by the Washington Post, Black women ranked higher than white women, Black men and white men when asked how much they valued being respected by others. We also outnumbered white women when asked if we strongly agree with the statement, “I see myself as someone who has high self-esteem.” In instances where non-Black women may let your slipups slide, our confidence and demand to be respected just won’t allow us to do the same.

As far as disloyalty is concerned, it always boggles my mind when you can even fix your lips to say such a thing. We’ve all personally known a significant number of black women who’ve supported and stood by their men through money lows, infidelity, and every other trial and tribulation imaginable. Even when we fly off at the mouth about how you hurt us once again, we stick around when “loyal” others would have long ago left the scene. We’re the same women who will single-handedly raise your estimated 5 million fatherless kids, and then encourage them to forgive you and cultivate a relationship when you decide to show up 20 years later. When a deranged neighborhood watchman or racist Ferguson police officer decides to murder you with no just cause, we’re the majority standing with you and rallying in the streets. Not the faces of your “loyal” Kardashian-esque gems, whose privilege, by the way, has them so out of touch that they genuinely see no harm in fiddling with their phones while the world aims to bring awareness to your injustice. Meanwhile, the only support you showed for mercilessly murdered Black women and Aiyana Jones was watching “Crooed Smile.” But we don’t trip about that though, because we, in all of our disloyalty, see the bigger picture and understand that in many social contexts, society has already served your plate a surplus of struggle.

I say all that to say, if you have a thing for non-Black women, cool. But don’t justify why by downplaying us. Just admit that your unaddressed issues of self-hate made you more inclined to value disproportionate beauty standards, or that you like being able to “do you” without someone constantly checking you, or whatever the reason may be. Yes, we have our issues, as do all women, as do you, as do all people. But the ones you so often speak of aren’t reflective of our shortcomings. Instead, they suggest that your vision has fell victim to society’s false depictions of our beauty and character attributes, which, ironically, you helped to birth and shape.

Written by Essence Gant

" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1590421056) } [6]=> array(14) { ["title"]=> string(38) "Dreams Do Come True — So Be Specific" ["link"]=> string(73) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/05/25/dreams-do-come-true-so-be-specific/" ["comments"]=> string(81) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/05/25/dreams-do-come-true-so-be-specific/#respond" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 25 May 2020 15:29:04 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(13) "J. T. Ellison" } ["category"]=> string(36) "Interestingbankersdreamsfall in love" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=5051" ["description"]=> string(369) "I believe that what you think and feel is pushed out into the universe and subsequently repackaged in the form of either positive or negative outcomes. In popular culture, there’s the vague conviction that if you want something badly enough, or think about something often enough, it will eventually manifest. Unfortunately, when the manifestation doesn’t […]" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(3864) "

I believe that what you think and feel is pushed out into the universe and subsequently repackaged in the form of either positive or negative outcomes. In popular culture, there’s the vague conviction that if you want something badly enough, or think about something often enough, it will eventually manifest.

Unfortunately, when the manifestation doesn’t come as quickly as we’d like, it’s easy to get disheartened and feel like our energy has been wasted on a whole lot of wishful thinking. This is especially true when it comes to dating; it can get pretty damn tiring attempting to wish your love life into something fulfilling.

I felt this way not too long ago, after falling into a spat with a potential boo. We got into an emotionally draining disagreement that resulted in the decision to stop talking. Feeling low and needing something to hold on to, I came up with a random but seemingly substantial objective – to find myself an investment banker.

Of course, I wasn’t actually interested in romancing investment bankers – the corporate reality doesn’t jive with my hippie social justice lifestyle. But my spirits were in the trenches and dating an investment banker seemed unattainably fancy and luxurious, so I deemed it a suitable fantasy. Every time I started to feel sad about my dating situation, I would just tell myself it would all be okay – “I’ma date a sexy investment banker and live happily ever after.” It became an amusing self-care mantra.

Fast forward a few days after the initial lovers’ quarrel. I’m returning to my office from lunch, getting ready to walk through the turnstile, when a handsome, dark-skinned black man with a pageboy’s hat, a grey vest suit, and diamond-studded ears stops me.

“Excuse me,” he says, “I don’t mean to disturb you, but I wanted to tell you that I think you’re beautiful.”

Since he seems sincere and non-threatening, I smile and give him my thanks.

He continues, “Would you be willing to go to lunch with me, maybe right now, if you’re free?”

I tell him that I just got back from lunch; that we’re actually in front of my office, which I was just about to enter. “Oh,” he says, “I work just around the corner.”

Because he’s cute and gentlemanly enough, I indulge in the conversation and ask
the follow-up question, “Where do you work?”

“Morgan Stanley,” he smiles. “I’m an investment banker.”

Please imagine a thousand exclamation marks replacing the bulk of my brain cells as the concept of reality dissolves into an unproven theory. Did he just…but, did I just…but what?

“Oh,” I say. “That’s great.” In my head, I feel like I’m losing my mind. What was originally a silly joke to make myself feel better about a romance gone awry five days before had suddenly turned into tangible potential. The universe had actually sent me my investment banker.

Of course, because I’m a hippie social justice wonk who believes in the antithesis of everything he believed, it didn’t work out. We had coffee, to assure mutual attraction, and later a first date that went surprisingly well. We were intellectually matched with similar levels of drive and passion, but our values were polar opposites and I declined a second date (to his surprise, mind you).

However, despite the fact that it didn’t turn into a fairytale romance, I keep the experience close. It’s a great reminder that the universe truly does respond to what we think, and how often we think it.

I’ll just have to be more specific in the future.

" } ["wfw"]=> array(1) { ["commentrss"]=> string(78) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/05/25/dreams-do-come-true-so-be-specific/feed/" } ["slash"]=> array(1) { ["comments"]=> string(1) "0" } ["summary"]=> string(369) "I believe that what you think and feel is pushed out into the universe and subsequently repackaged in the form of either positive or negative outcomes. In popular culture, there’s the vague conviction that if you want something badly enough, or think about something often enough, it will eventually manifest. Unfortunately, when the manifestation doesn’t […]" ["atom_content"]=> string(3864) "

I believe that what you think and feel is pushed out into the universe and subsequently repackaged in the form of either positive or negative outcomes. In popular culture, there’s the vague conviction that if you want something badly enough, or think about something often enough, it will eventually manifest.

Unfortunately, when the manifestation doesn’t come as quickly as we’d like, it’s easy to get disheartened and feel like our energy has been wasted on a whole lot of wishful thinking. This is especially true when it comes to dating; it can get pretty damn tiring attempting to wish your love life into something fulfilling.

I felt this way not too long ago, after falling into a spat with a potential boo. We got into an emotionally draining disagreement that resulted in the decision to stop talking. Feeling low and needing something to hold on to, I came up with a random but seemingly substantial objective – to find myself an investment banker.

Of course, I wasn’t actually interested in romancing investment bankers – the corporate reality doesn’t jive with my hippie social justice lifestyle. But my spirits were in the trenches and dating an investment banker seemed unattainably fancy and luxurious, so I deemed it a suitable fantasy. Every time I started to feel sad about my dating situation, I would just tell myself it would all be okay – “I’ma date a sexy investment banker and live happily ever after.” It became an amusing self-care mantra.

Fast forward a few days after the initial lovers’ quarrel. I’m returning to my office from lunch, getting ready to walk through the turnstile, when a handsome, dark-skinned black man with a pageboy’s hat, a grey vest suit, and diamond-studded ears stops me.

“Excuse me,” he says, “I don’t mean to disturb you, but I wanted to tell you that I think you’re beautiful.”

Since he seems sincere and non-threatening, I smile and give him my thanks.

He continues, “Would you be willing to go to lunch with me, maybe right now, if you’re free?”

I tell him that I just got back from lunch; that we’re actually in front of my office, which I was just about to enter. “Oh,” he says, “I work just around the corner.”

Because he’s cute and gentlemanly enough, I indulge in the conversation and ask
the follow-up question, “Where do you work?”

“Morgan Stanley,” he smiles. “I’m an investment banker.”

Please imagine a thousand exclamation marks replacing the bulk of my brain cells as the concept of reality dissolves into an unproven theory. Did he just…but, did I just…but what?

“Oh,” I say. “That’s great.” In my head, I feel like I’m losing my mind. What was originally a silly joke to make myself feel better about a romance gone awry five days before had suddenly turned into tangible potential. The universe had actually sent me my investment banker.

Of course, because I’m a hippie social justice wonk who believes in the antithesis of everything he believed, it didn’t work out. We had coffee, to assure mutual attraction, and later a first date that went surprisingly well. We were intellectually matched with similar levels of drive and passion, but our values were polar opposites and I declined a second date (to his surprise, mind you).

However, despite the fact that it didn’t turn into a fairytale romance, I keep the experience close. It’s a great reminder that the universe truly does respond to what we think, and how often we think it.

I’ll just have to be more specific in the future.

" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1590420544) } [7]=> array(14) { ["title"]=> string(85) "Why “Come Over and Chill” is Not an Appropriate First (or Second…or Third) Date" ["link"]=> string(113) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/05/25/why-come-over-and-chill-is-not-an-appropriate-first-or-secondor-third-date/" ["comments"]=> string(121) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/05/25/why-come-over-and-chill-is-not-an-appropriate-first-or-secondor-third-date/#respond" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 25 May 2020 15:13:12 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(12) "Guest Author" } ["category"]=> string(49) "Dating Adviceadvicedatingrelationshipssecond date" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=5048" ["description"]=> string(313) "So Mr. Handsome passed the tests of eligible bachelorism and has asked you out on your first date in…God knows how long. As the conversation proceeds, and your head is filled with images of an intimate candlelit dinner a la Lady and the Tramp (hopefully he’ll use a fork rather than his nose to feed […]" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(4025) "

So Mr. Handsome passed the tests of eligible bachelorism and has asked you out on your first date in…God knows how long. As the conversation proceeds, and your head is filled with images of an intimate candlelit dinner a la Lady and the Tramp (hopefully he’ll use a fork rather than his nose to feed you that last meatball). As the lust-filled fantasy fades, you hear, “So you wanna come over and chill?” Screech! Pump your brakes, playboy. While it might be easy to accommodate his lack of prep and planning, here’s why you should say “nah” (insert meme here) when approached with such an…enticing offer.

It’s Lazy.

Part of the excitement of the first few dates is knowing that someone was interested enough in your to think and plan some ways to spend time together. If all he comes up with is, “Let’s chill…” Talk about a major let-down. With all relationships, effort is a must — from both parties. But if he’s not even putting the effort in to treat you special from the get-go, it’s probably not going to change. He doesn’t want to work for it. He doesn’t want to earn your heart. He’s not worth it. Sorry.

It’s Lame.

Some men might use the excuse that they’re broke. Don’t fall for it. There are so many ways to get to know each other that don’t involved a darkened crib. Tell him to grab a blanket, make some sandwiches and take you on a picnic. Or go for a bike ride. Or, in chillier months, if he’s got a couple bucks, go ice-skating. Do something. But don’t do “chilling.” If he does it right, the two of you will have years and years to chill on the couch.

It’s Inconsiderate

Why should anyone assume that your idea of a “getting-to-know-you” date involves an old couch, Redbox and some snacks — if you’re lucky? He got you to say yes. But then he’s going to potentially ruin it by not considering you when it comes to planning something for the two of you to do. Hell, if he can’t think of anything — because let’s face it, men are not the best planners — at the very least he can talk with you about it to get a feel for your likes and dislikes. After all, this date includes both of you, right?

Harpo, Who Dis Man?

So you’ve had a couple of hours-long phone and Skype conversations. Do you really know this dude from Adam? No! If you’ve seen For Colored Girls, you know exactly what can happen if you choose to trust a man before you know who you’re dealing with. Not just that, but it’s good to see upfront how a man acts in public. If he’s blowing his nose at the table and chewing with his mouth open, or if every girl you pass on the street seems to know his name, you know you have some thinking to do before taking it further (and, um, I’m being polite here. You should run. Like now.)

You Deserve Better.

Point, blank and the period. You’re a lady. So demand to be treated like one. Because if you start off a potential relationship expecting and accepting sub-par treatment, that’s exactly what you’re going to receive. And that’s not fair. And it’s downright disrespectful. How you start off is how you’ll continue, so train him early (yeah, I said it) to respect your body, your time and you as a woman and potential mate. That way you won’t be stuck six months down the line whining, “We never go anywhere! You never take me out!” Ugh. You’ll hate yourself and resent him. And why in the world would he do that now when you weren’t demanding that from the very beginning? Don’t get hit with the okie-doke, ladies. Don’t settle for a little when you deserve it all.

" } ["wfw"]=> array(1) { ["commentrss"]=> string(118) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/05/25/why-come-over-and-chill-is-not-an-appropriate-first-or-secondor-third-date/feed/" } ["slash"]=> array(1) { ["comments"]=> string(1) "0" } ["summary"]=> string(313) "So Mr. Handsome passed the tests of eligible bachelorism and has asked you out on your first date in…God knows how long. As the conversation proceeds, and your head is filled with images of an intimate candlelit dinner a la Lady and the Tramp (hopefully he’ll use a fork rather than his nose to feed […]" ["atom_content"]=> string(4025) "

So Mr. Handsome passed the tests of eligible bachelorism and has asked you out on your first date in…God knows how long. As the conversation proceeds, and your head is filled with images of an intimate candlelit dinner a la Lady and the Tramp (hopefully he’ll use a fork rather than his nose to feed you that last meatball). As the lust-filled fantasy fades, you hear, “So you wanna come over and chill?” Screech! Pump your brakes, playboy. While it might be easy to accommodate his lack of prep and planning, here’s why you should say “nah” (insert meme here) when approached with such an…enticing offer.

It’s Lazy.

Part of the excitement of the first few dates is knowing that someone was interested enough in your to think and plan some ways to spend time together. If all he comes up with is, “Let’s chill…” Talk about a major let-down. With all relationships, effort is a must — from both parties. But if he’s not even putting the effort in to treat you special from the get-go, it’s probably not going to change. He doesn’t want to work for it. He doesn’t want to earn your heart. He’s not worth it. Sorry.

It’s Lame.

Some men might use the excuse that they’re broke. Don’t fall for it. There are so many ways to get to know each other that don’t involved a darkened crib. Tell him to grab a blanket, make some sandwiches and take you on a picnic. Or go for a bike ride. Or, in chillier months, if he’s got a couple bucks, go ice-skating. Do something. But don’t do “chilling.” If he does it right, the two of you will have years and years to chill on the couch.

It’s Inconsiderate

Why should anyone assume that your idea of a “getting-to-know-you” date involves an old couch, Redbox and some snacks — if you’re lucky? He got you to say yes. But then he’s going to potentially ruin it by not considering you when it comes to planning something for the two of you to do. Hell, if he can’t think of anything — because let’s face it, men are not the best planners — at the very least he can talk with you about it to get a feel for your likes and dislikes. After all, this date includes both of you, right?

Harpo, Who Dis Man?

So you’ve had a couple of hours-long phone and Skype conversations. Do you really know this dude from Adam? No! If you’ve seen For Colored Girls, you know exactly what can happen if you choose to trust a man before you know who you’re dealing with. Not just that, but it’s good to see upfront how a man acts in public. If he’s blowing his nose at the table and chewing with his mouth open, or if every girl you pass on the street seems to know his name, you know you have some thinking to do before taking it further (and, um, I’m being polite here. You should run. Like now.)

You Deserve Better.

Point, blank and the period. You’re a lady. So demand to be treated like one. Because if you start off a potential relationship expecting and accepting sub-par treatment, that’s exactly what you’re going to receive. And that’s not fair. And it’s downright disrespectful. How you start off is how you’ll continue, so train him early (yeah, I said it) to respect your body, your time and you as a woman and potential mate. That way you won’t be stuck six months down the line whining, “We never go anywhere! You never take me out!” Ugh. You’ll hate yourself and resent him. And why in the world would he do that now when you weren’t demanding that from the very beginning? Don’t get hit with the okie-doke, ladies. Don’t settle for a little when you deserve it all.

" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1590419592) } [8]=> array(14) { ["title"]=> string(29) "I Am Not Your Cool Girlfriend" ["link"]=> string(68) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/05/25/i-am-not-your-cool-girlfriend/" ["comments"]=> string(76) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/05/25/i-am-not-your-cool-girlfriend/#respond" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 25 May 2020 14:56:48 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(12) "Guest Author" } ["category"]=> string(75) "Relationship Adviceboundariescool girlsdatinggirlfriendskeeping it reallove" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=5044" ["description"]=> string(279) "I feel bad about my body a lot. I will try not to talk about it too much, but if we are together for like a year I’m probably eventually going to say something about how fat I feel. I am not that laid-back. Don’t get me wrong; I am easy-going about a lot of […]" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(7835) "

I feel bad about my body a lot. I will try not to talk about it too much, but if we are together for like a year I’m probably eventually going to say something about how fat I feel.

I am not that laid-back.

Don’t get me wrong; I am easy-going about a lot of important relationship things. I don’t care what you wear when we go out or if you want to watch sports on the TV. I will even think it’s fun to root for your team. But I am not into sports — I will probably just read a magazine while the game is on, since the alternative is staring blankly at the moving figures without actually comprehending anything that is happening, like how I watch reality shows I’ve never seen before on mute at the nail salon.

So I am kind of laid-back. But I am not like, guy laid-back. I’m sensitive. I have a lot of feelings about things. I cry so much — like if we are having a fight, I will probably start crying because I cry when I am angry. I have severe depression and anxiety and I am a recovering alcoholic and addict and bulimic and I have to manage these conditions with medication and therapy and support groups. I have been raped. My childhood was not that good. I get sad sometimes. I have panic attacks. I get overwhelmed.

I am pretty sane and stable these days, but being with me is not like being with a girl with like, a really nice Dad who calls her sometimes. I am damaged goods.

I get REALLY CRAZY on my period. I won’t know why I’m really crazy, either, and I will think it is your fault and I will probably get super-mad at you about something that makes no sense. I’ll apologize in a few days when my hormones settle.

More superficially, I watch every singing show competition that comes on the television. These shows, the singing ones, make me happier than almost anything else, sorry. I like to rent romantic comedies on demand. I really do eat the ice cream right out of the tub like in one of those movies.

I own a copy of “The Rules” and I kind of believe in it.

In the beginning of a relationship, I think a lot about our text messages. I craft mine, and I dissect yours. I read them to friends. I try to wait several days to text you back sometimes, no matter how many things I want to tell you. I try not to seem too available, even when I am completely available. Eventually, I text you “k” instead of just telling you I am super freaking mad at you. I say “Everything’s fine” when it obviously isn’t.

I feel bad about my body a lot. I will try not to talk about it too much, but if we are together for like a year I’m probably eventually going to say something about how fat I feel and it will be very uncool.

I have food issues. I cannot just scarf down a cheeseburger and fries on our date and also stay reasonably thin. I may feel bad about myself after eating that meal, or I may have to go to the gym or eat just a Lean Cuisine the next day, even though one of my co-workers will invariably go “Mmmmm, that smells so good!” and I will want to punch them because “Screw this diet food.”

Alternatively, I don’t really want to eat this kale salad you suggested as an appetizer on our date. I mean, it’s fine. I’ll take a bite. But I’m not like “Oh, yes, let’s definitely get the kale salad. That sounds delish. Is it ramp season?” I don’t know what a ramp even is.

I am not equally comfortable in an evening gown as I am in a T-shirt and jeans. Can’t a bitch specialize?

I am not the girl next door. Why don’t you go over to her house if that’s what you’re into? She’s close.

I don’t wear sensible shoes. I will probably want to take a cab from one destination to the next instead of that romantic stroll you suggested, because my feet hurt. I am not a “natural beauty.” I don’t care if you think that I don’t “need” all this make-up. I don’t need pizza either, but I eat it a lot, because I like it.

My lipstick is going to get on your face when we make out.

I don’t want to talk about pooping and farting. I mean, if couples are together for a real long time, eventually they will fart in front of each other and talk about poop. But I’m not one of those women who finds farting lol hilarious. I definitely do not like to talk about my own farts, as my number one priority in life is being at all times sexually appealing, which I cannot reconcile with passing gas.

If we run into a girl you used to have sex with out at the bar and when I go to the bathroom, she shows you her vibrating tongue stud, I do not think that is totally fine. I might want to have a threesome sometime, but probably not as much as you do. I am not always in the mood to give you blowjobs because I just loooooove them so much. I am sometimes just tired and I don’t want to do anything at all, although it’s OK with me if you just kind of do your thing next to me in bed.

When you are out having dinner with your ex-girlfriend, I am wondering if you are having sex with her. If you are out on the town with the guys, I am wondering if you are drunk and talking to a cute girl and maybe touching her shoulder a little too much and possibly later having sex with her. If you are out of town on a business trip and staying in a hotel room…well, you get the idea.

I don’t drink beer, or anything else alcoholic for that matter. Additionally, I really need there to be soda anywhere where we are or I will get legitimately a little weepy. I need to eat on a regular basis or I get exceptionally cranky.

I haven’t played a video game since college. I haven’t seen “Star Wars.” I’m not really interested in changing that. I don’t want to ride a bike or go on a run with you. I don’t like to sweat on dates in general. I like to look pretty and smell good and sit down on dates mostly. And not walk too much, because like I said before, my feet hurt.

I don’t really care where we eat tonight. I know you just want me to make a choice, but seriously, whatever you want is “Fine.” Oh, and I don’t cook anything. Don’t want to learn how. Cooking sucks.

Cool girls never get angry and set boundaries. I don’t always, either. I still want to flip the channel really fast if you walk in when I am watching “Sex and the City.” I still want to deflect if you ask me what I am reading and it’s something with a pink cover. I sometimes still say things like, “I don’t mind if you have sex with other people,” because I am scared you are going to anyway and I’d rather just know about it from the get-go.

But I guess that’s why I’m writing this piece. Because being the cool girlfriend? Really doesn’t feel that cool.

Written by Emily

" } ["wfw"]=> array(1) { ["commentrss"]=> string(73) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/05/25/i-am-not-your-cool-girlfriend/feed/" } ["slash"]=> array(1) { ["comments"]=> string(1) "0" } ["summary"]=> string(279) "I feel bad about my body a lot. I will try not to talk about it too much, but if we are together for like a year I’m probably eventually going to say something about how fat I feel. I am not that laid-back. Don’t get me wrong; I am easy-going about a lot of […]" ["atom_content"]=> string(7835) "

I feel bad about my body a lot. I will try not to talk about it too much, but if we are together for like a year I’m probably eventually going to say something about how fat I feel.

I am not that laid-back.

Don’t get me wrong; I am easy-going about a lot of important relationship things. I don’t care what you wear when we go out or if you want to watch sports on the TV. I will even think it’s fun to root for your team. But I am not into sports — I will probably just read a magazine while the game is on, since the alternative is staring blankly at the moving figures without actually comprehending anything that is happening, like how I watch reality shows I’ve never seen before on mute at the nail salon.

So I am kind of laid-back. But I am not like, guy laid-back. I’m sensitive. I have a lot of feelings about things. I cry so much — like if we are having a fight, I will probably start crying because I cry when I am angry. I have severe depression and anxiety and I am a recovering alcoholic and addict and bulimic and I have to manage these conditions with medication and therapy and support groups. I have been raped. My childhood was not that good. I get sad sometimes. I have panic attacks. I get overwhelmed.

I am pretty sane and stable these days, but being with me is not like being with a girl with like, a really nice Dad who calls her sometimes. I am damaged goods.

I get REALLY CRAZY on my period. I won’t know why I’m really crazy, either, and I will think it is your fault and I will probably get super-mad at you about something that makes no sense. I’ll apologize in a few days when my hormones settle.

More superficially, I watch every singing show competition that comes on the television. These shows, the singing ones, make me happier than almost anything else, sorry. I like to rent romantic comedies on demand. I really do eat the ice cream right out of the tub like in one of those movies.

I own a copy of “The Rules” and I kind of believe in it.

In the beginning of a relationship, I think a lot about our text messages. I craft mine, and I dissect yours. I read them to friends. I try to wait several days to text you back sometimes, no matter how many things I want to tell you. I try not to seem too available, even when I am completely available. Eventually, I text you “k” instead of just telling you I am super freaking mad at you. I say “Everything’s fine” when it obviously isn’t.

I feel bad about my body a lot. I will try not to talk about it too much, but if we are together for like a year I’m probably eventually going to say something about how fat I feel and it will be very uncool.

I have food issues. I cannot just scarf down a cheeseburger and fries on our date and also stay reasonably thin. I may feel bad about myself after eating that meal, or I may have to go to the gym or eat just a Lean Cuisine the next day, even though one of my co-workers will invariably go “Mmmmm, that smells so good!” and I will want to punch them because “Screw this diet food.”

Alternatively, I don’t really want to eat this kale salad you suggested as an appetizer on our date. I mean, it’s fine. I’ll take a bite. But I’m not like “Oh, yes, let’s definitely get the kale salad. That sounds delish. Is it ramp season?” I don’t know what a ramp even is.

I am not equally comfortable in an evening gown as I am in a T-shirt and jeans. Can’t a bitch specialize?

I am not the girl next door. Why don’t you go over to her house if that’s what you’re into? She’s close.

I don’t wear sensible shoes. I will probably want to take a cab from one destination to the next instead of that romantic stroll you suggested, because my feet hurt. I am not a “natural beauty.” I don’t care if you think that I don’t “need” all this make-up. I don’t need pizza either, but I eat it a lot, because I like it.

My lipstick is going to get on your face when we make out.

I don’t want to talk about pooping and farting. I mean, if couples are together for a real long time, eventually they will fart in front of each other and talk about poop. But I’m not one of those women who finds farting lol hilarious. I definitely do not like to talk about my own farts, as my number one priority in life is being at all times sexually appealing, which I cannot reconcile with passing gas.

If we run into a girl you used to have sex with out at the bar and when I go to the bathroom, she shows you her vibrating tongue stud, I do not think that is totally fine. I might want to have a threesome sometime, but probably not as much as you do. I am not always in the mood to give you blowjobs because I just loooooove them so much. I am sometimes just tired and I don’t want to do anything at all, although it’s OK with me if you just kind of do your thing next to me in bed.

When you are out having dinner with your ex-girlfriend, I am wondering if you are having sex with her. If you are out on the town with the guys, I am wondering if you are drunk and talking to a cute girl and maybe touching her shoulder a little too much and possibly later having sex with her. If you are out of town on a business trip and staying in a hotel room…well, you get the idea.

I don’t drink beer, or anything else alcoholic for that matter. Additionally, I really need there to be soda anywhere where we are or I will get legitimately a little weepy. I need to eat on a regular basis or I get exceptionally cranky.

I haven’t played a video game since college. I haven’t seen “Star Wars.” I’m not really interested in changing that. I don’t want to ride a bike or go on a run with you. I don’t like to sweat on dates in general. I like to look pretty and smell good and sit down on dates mostly. And not walk too much, because like I said before, my feet hurt.

I don’t really care where we eat tonight. I know you just want me to make a choice, but seriously, whatever you want is “Fine.” Oh, and I don’t cook anything. Don’t want to learn how. Cooking sucks.

Cool girls never get angry and set boundaries. I don’t always, either. I still want to flip the channel really fast if you walk in when I am watching “Sex and the City.” I still want to deflect if you ask me what I am reading and it’s something with a pink cover. I sometimes still say things like, “I don’t mind if you have sex with other people,” because I am scared you are going to anyway and I’d rather just know about it from the get-go.

But I guess that’s why I’m writing this piece. Because being the cool girlfriend? Really doesn’t feel that cool.

Written by Emily

" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1590418608) } [9]=> array(14) { ["title"]=> string(77) "So My Ex-Husband Is Coming To Stay With Me (And My Boyfriend) For The Weekend" ["link"]=> string(114) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/05/25/so-my-ex-husband-is-coming-to-stay-with-me-and-my-boyfriend-for-the-weekend/" ["comments"]=> string(122) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/05/25/so-my-ex-husband-is-coming-to-stay-with-me-and-my-boyfriend-for-the-weekend/#respond" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 25 May 2020 14:30:24 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(12) "Guest Author" } ["category"]=> string(43) "Love & Sexex-husbandsexeslovenew boyfriends" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=5040" ["description"]=> string(298) "Some people think it’s bizarre; others call it modern or mature. You might think I’m crazy. Or very “modern.” But in a few days I will go to the airport, pick up my ex-husband, and let him crash on my sofa while he attends a conference here in L.A. Oh, and my boyfriend lives with […]" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(5296) "

Some people think it’s bizarre; others call it modern or mature.

You might think I’m crazy. Or very “modern.” But in a few days I will go to the airport, pick up my ex-husband, and let him crash on my sofa while he attends a conference here in L.A.

Oh, and my boyfriend lives with me. In fact, they are old friends.

Ed* and I were married for twelve years. I thought we would have children and grow old together. We were both shattered in our own ways when we realized that wasn’t going to happen, and a divorce was imminent.

Ironically, I met my boyfriend, Brent, through my ex-husband. They were in the same master’s degree program, and Brent used to come over and work on projects at our house, stay for dinner, and watch movies with us. Let me be clear: there was no sexual attraction between Brent and I during my marriage. But, of all my husband’s friends, he was the one I got along with best.

After a while, post-divorce, I felt ready to date, and decided to do the Loveawake.com thing. Without going into the whole sordid story (I’ll save that for another time) suffice it to say that what started out as a wonderful, promising relationship with Mr. Match ended in heartbreak and betrayal when, after he unexpectedly cancelled a romantic weekend away, I found his Loveawake profile up again online, with those four little words scrawled in green across the screen, “Active Within 3 Days.”

After a few months of clinical depression, Abilify, and therapy, I felt functional enough to throw myself a 39th birthday party, the first in my new place.

I invited Brent. I wasn’t thinking romantic. But, out of all of my ex-husband’s grad school crew he was the only one I felt I knew well enough to invite. There were other guys at the party I know were interested in me. And that felt good. But, when Brent said goodbye to me that night, there was a lingering hug. Hmmm. Neither of us really wanted to let go of each other.

We started hanging out as friends. Going to movies, seeing plays. And, unlike the guys on Loveawake or other suitors, I had known Brent for seven years! There’s an innate trust in that. It happened organically, and came as a surprise to both of us.

About a month into our new relationship, we ran into some mutual friends of Brent and Ed’s at “Book of Mormon.” We were outed: soon the news would break on the rumor mill, and we didn’t want that to be the way Ed found out about us. Since we were all still very amicable, we felt that–even if we didn’t owe him an explanation–it was the right thing to do.

I volunteered to break the news to Ed, but Brent said he would tell him, in a man-to-man we’re both adults here kind of way.

It did not go over well.

But, that was one year ago, and since then Ed has come around. After giving it some time, and, especially considering his knowledge of what Mr. Match put me through, Ed says he now feels glad that I’m with someone he knows is a good man, and is happy for us.

A few months ago, the true test of friendship happened when Ed came to Los Angeles. He had a hotel room and a rental car, and while Brent was fine with me having lunch with Ed, and fine with meeting him separately for drinks, I wasn’t sure any of us were fine with all of us being in the same room together. It would just be too weird.

Yet, that’s exactly what happened. And you know what? It wasn’t that weird!

It was my ex-husband’s idea. He asked if we both wanted to hang out on his last night in town, and I left it up to Brent. He said sure, and Ed came over for dinner. You can bet there was a bottle of wine to sooth everyone’s nerves. But after some initial awkwardness, it wasn’t long before we were catching each other up on news of mutual friends, who had seen what movie, and generally enjoying each other’s company.

Fast-forward a few months. My ex is headed into town again for a conference, but this time asked if he could stay with us. I was comfortable with it: maybe I was once married to him, but he’s become the brother I never had. I left it up to Brent, who said “cool.”

So, the visit is soon upon us: Ed flies in this weekend. Will I (or any of us) regret it? Only time will tell.

I have the best of all worlds: the friendship of the person I loved enough to marry, the love of my boyfriend, and the happiness knowing our relationship didn’t come between two old friends. Essentially, we’re all still friends. Some people think it’s bizarre; others call it modern or mature. Whatever it is, I’m thankful for it.

*For privacy reasons, some names in this piece have been changed.

Written by Sarah F.

" } ["wfw"]=> array(1) { ["commentrss"]=> string(119) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/05/25/so-my-ex-husband-is-coming-to-stay-with-me-and-my-boyfriend-for-the-weekend/feed/" } ["slash"]=> array(1) { ["comments"]=> string(1) "0" } ["summary"]=> string(298) "Some people think it’s bizarre; others call it modern or mature. You might think I’m crazy. Or very “modern.” But in a few days I will go to the airport, pick up my ex-husband, and let him crash on my sofa while he attends a conference here in L.A. Oh, and my boyfriend lives with […]" ["atom_content"]=> string(5296) "

Some people think it’s bizarre; others call it modern or mature.

You might think I’m crazy. Or very “modern.” But in a few days I will go to the airport, pick up my ex-husband, and let him crash on my sofa while he attends a conference here in L.A.

Oh, and my boyfriend lives with me. In fact, they are old friends.

Ed* and I were married for twelve years. I thought we would have children and grow old together. We were both shattered in our own ways when we realized that wasn’t going to happen, and a divorce was imminent.

Ironically, I met my boyfriend, Brent, through my ex-husband. They were in the same master’s degree program, and Brent used to come over and work on projects at our house, stay for dinner, and watch movies with us. Let me be clear: there was no sexual attraction between Brent and I during my marriage. But, of all my husband’s friends, he was the one I got along with best.

After a while, post-divorce, I felt ready to date, and decided to do the Loveawake.com thing. Without going into the whole sordid story (I’ll save that for another time) suffice it to say that what started out as a wonderful, promising relationship with Mr. Match ended in heartbreak and betrayal when, after he unexpectedly cancelled a romantic weekend away, I found his Loveawake profile up again online, with those four little words scrawled in green across the screen, “Active Within 3 Days.”

After a few months of clinical depression, Abilify, and therapy, I felt functional enough to throw myself a 39th birthday party, the first in my new place.

I invited Brent. I wasn’t thinking romantic. But, out of all of my ex-husband’s grad school crew he was the only one I felt I knew well enough to invite. There were other guys at the party I know were interested in me. And that felt good. But, when Brent said goodbye to me that night, there was a lingering hug. Hmmm. Neither of us really wanted to let go of each other.

We started hanging out as friends. Going to movies, seeing plays. And, unlike the guys on Loveawake or other suitors, I had known Brent for seven years! There’s an innate trust in that. It happened organically, and came as a surprise to both of us.

About a month into our new relationship, we ran into some mutual friends of Brent and Ed’s at “Book of Mormon.” We were outed: soon the news would break on the rumor mill, and we didn’t want that to be the way Ed found out about us. Since we were all still very amicable, we felt that–even if we didn’t owe him an explanation–it was the right thing to do.

I volunteered to break the news to Ed, but Brent said he would tell him, in a man-to-man we’re both adults here kind of way.

It did not go over well.

But, that was one year ago, and since then Ed has come around. After giving it some time, and, especially considering his knowledge of what Mr. Match put me through, Ed says he now feels glad that I’m with someone he knows is a good man, and is happy for us.

A few months ago, the true test of friendship happened when Ed came to Los Angeles. He had a hotel room and a rental car, and while Brent was fine with me having lunch with Ed, and fine with meeting him separately for drinks, I wasn’t sure any of us were fine with all of us being in the same room together. It would just be too weird.

Yet, that’s exactly what happened. And you know what? It wasn’t that weird!

It was my ex-husband’s idea. He asked if we both wanted to hang out on his last night in town, and I left it up to Brent. He said sure, and Ed came over for dinner. You can bet there was a bottle of wine to sooth everyone’s nerves. But after some initial awkwardness, it wasn’t long before we were catching each other up on news of mutual friends, who had seen what movie, and generally enjoying each other’s company.

Fast-forward a few months. My ex is headed into town again for a conference, but this time asked if he could stay with us. I was comfortable with it: maybe I was once married to him, but he’s become the brother I never had. I left it up to Brent, who said “cool.”

So, the visit is soon upon us: Ed flies in this weekend. Will I (or any of us) regret it? Only time will tell.

I have the best of all worlds: the friendship of the person I loved enough to marry, the love of my boyfriend, and the happiness knowing our relationship didn’t come between two old friends. Essentially, we’re all still friends. Some people think it’s bizarre; others call it modern or mature. Whatever it is, I’m thankful for it.

*For privacy reasons, some names in this piece have been changed.

Written by Sarah F.

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